I'm Funny (roughly) Once a Day

For Science!

2012-02-15T23:00:00.000-05:00

"I'm just a dude, but science is probably right."

Forward Thinking

2011-10-05T18:52:00.000-04:00

me: oh lol
me: look what I found
me: "string pattern = "200*.*"; // just this millenium, thanks"
me: its our 2k10 bug
me: I have no idea what that code does
me: but it doesn't anymore

[note: this conversation and code is from 2008]

Now With Less Stuff

2011-10-03T18:33:00.001-04:00

Kristina: Hey, check out this chocolate bar! It's infused with air bubbles so it's lighter and more airy!
Me: So you paid the same amount for less chocolate?
Kristina: ... you just ruined my candy bar.

Owls are Old School

2011-08-02T19:49:00.000-04:00

Ed: if harry potter live-tweeted the events of the goblet of fire, then fudge et al would have believed that voldemort was back, and shit would have been different
Ed: @TheChildWhoLivesLarge: Sweet, the Wizard's Cup. o wait, brb gt save @diggertous
Ed: @TheChildWhoLivesLarge: OK we're gonna touch the cup together #bffs
Ed: @TheChildWhoLivesLarge: oh fuck, it was a portkey, wtf are we
Ed: @TheChildWhoLivesLarge: brb @diggertous is ded, gt save myself
Ed: @TheChildWhoLivesLarge: oh noes, @scabbers is resurrecting @deathtomuggles #thisisnotgood

The Circle Is Complete

2011-02-02T16:31:00.002-05:00

CrazyAl90: where did dogs come from?
edgesmash[work]: puppies
CrazyAl90: where do puppies come from?
got_milk: dogs

Extrapolation from Dentistry

2010-08-16T19:37:00.000-04:00

Joe: it takes the goddamned machine about 5 minutes to boot up completely, even after removing a whole bunch of crap from Vista's startup routine.
Ed: Vista?
Ed: VISTA!?!
Ed: why don't you have 7 yet?
Ed: do you need me to get you a key?
Ed: I can buy an educational key probably with my email address for tufts
Ed: $30 for Win7 pro
Ed: do it
Ed: do it
Ed: do it
Ed: don't do it
Ed: do it
Joe: (*&$P(@*UJSHDFL:SKDJF seriously?
Joe: HEY
Joe: I SAW THAT
Ed: 4 out of 5 chat messages say "do it"

Quod Erat Demonstrandum

2010-07-13T19:04:00.003-04:00

Joe: Occam's razor works in logic as well as software development
Joe: all things being equal, the simplest solution is the most correct.
Ed: Occam's Razor is kind of a tautology.
Joe: is not
Ed: is too
Joe: is not
Ed: is too
Ed: QED
Joe: SON OF A BITCH
Ed: loool
Joe: SUDO IS NOT

JOSE LOPEZ

2010-06-04T16:13:00.002-04:00

Ed: who is your 2b
Joe: Jose Lopez.
Ed: the problem with drafting Jose Lopez is that you end up with Jose Lopez on your team
Ed: and you can never trade Jose Lopez because he's not sexy.
Ed: and you can't really drop Jose Lopez because he hit that home run not too long ago and he might hit one again.

New Infants Are Funny

2010-05-25T10:46:00.001-04:00

[Mia gives me a funny look]
Me: Don't look at me like that! I love you!

Total Horsehockey

2010-05-20T14:00:00.001-04:00

Brent: what % juice are they?

Ed: one was 50, one was 10

Ed: cranberry and then some sort of apple/mango/pineapple hybrid shit

Brent: that's bullshit

Ed: agreed

I Can Haz Physics

2010-03-09T11:02:00.000-05:00

Mom: Put down that balloon and help!

Dad: I can't put it down, it only goes up!

No Cake-Walk

2010-02-24T09:43:00.001-05:00

On child-birthing class:

Annie: And maybe you can meet some other new dads and make friends.

Me: I'm going to treat this like prison: I've gotta either kick someone's ass or become someone's bitch on the first day.

Half-Empty

2010-02-23T13:48:00.003-05:00

If you've played any Mario game in the past 6 years, you're well familiar with the phrase "It's-a me, Mario!" If you've played Mario Kart, you may be familiar with Mario's brother's call: "I'm-a Luigi, I'm-a gonna win!" Given how many times I've lost while playing as Luigi, I've co-opted that phrase as such: "I'm-a Luigi, I'm-a gonna lose!" Well, Annie has her own take on it:

Annie: "I'm-a Luigi, I'm-a gonna die!"

A New Brew

2010-02-16T08:04:00.000-05:00

So, with the pregnancy and all, obviously Annie can't drink. But I can. I try to be sensitive and not drink beers she likes, but the other day, I found a Sam Summer in the back of the fridge. Not thinking, I grabbed it and started drinking. Annie saw me, and was not pleased.

Annie: Honey, that's not fair! You can't drink Sam Summer in front of me!

Me: I'm sorry, but honey, wait...

I retreated to the kitchen, and moments later, returned:

Me: It's not a Sam Summer, it's a Samuel Badams Stupid Ale!

A Matter of Perspective

2009-12-23T14:03:00.000-05:00

Annie: What do you want to do tonight?
Ed: We could just sit and stare into each other's eyes lovingly.
Annie: Awwww!!!
Ed: But that gets boring fast.

Texts From a Christmas Party

2009-12-22T16:15:00.000-05:00

Me: What are the names of the counselors from our youth group? They're here and I don't want to embarrass myself.
Bill: Doug and Kelly. Give them my regards. Sorry I never called back.
Me: Thanks. That's ok, I know you're a jerk. Your mom says hi.
Bill: We are at Grill 23 eating steak.
Me: You son of a bitch. I just had a kobe beef slider, but you're going to have a whole kobe beef steak.
Bill: Yeah not going to lie this place is amazing.
Me: Doug and Kelly say hi. Sue and Wendy say hi. Sue says you're a deadbeat

Facts of Life

2009-12-21T15:44:00.000-05:00

"I don't know anything. Well, I know two things. I know I love you, and I know Cheetos are delicious. That's it." --Me, to Annie

Family Planning

2009-12-20T19:20:00.002-05:00

Me: So I heard you're getting engaged.
Sally: So I heard you're making little Ed-babies.
Me: Well, it looks like we're all moving forward.

Aiming High

2009-11-23T14:10:00.001-05:00

Ed: are you president yet?

Joe: working on it.

Ed: come on man

Ed: I can't wait for you to be prez and to call you and be like "Sup Mr. President"

Ed: its gonna be so much fun when you are president

Ed: "President Bodell"

Ed: lol

Ed: Hell, even "Senator Bodell" has a great ring to it

Ed: "Governor Bodell"

Ed: "Judge Bodell"

Ed: "Principal Bodell"

Joe: "Trash collector Bodell"

Ed: "Inmate 29572"

I Don't Think That's How the Phrase Goes

2009-11-20T00:18:00.002-05:00

"When you assume, you put me up your ass." -Annie

It's All in the Name

2009-10-27T16:56:00.000-04:00

Ed: Eric: the nutrageous bar you gave me is saving my life right now

Ed: my hunger level was over 9000

Brent: now where is it?

Ed: 4

Brent: that's NUTRAGEOUS!

Culinary Delights

2009-08-11T09:19:00.001-04:00

Me: I have enough on my plate, this is for you to organize.

Brian: i thought you always cleaned your plate

Me: nope

Brian: what if there was bacon on it

Me: how much bacon?

Brian: 23 bacon units

Me: what is the conversion from bacon units to 8"x1" strips of bacon?

Brian: wouldnt you like to know

Instant Laughs

2009-08-05T12:08:00.000-04:00

Eric: Your registration of ohnoyourmoney.com for 1 year has been "processed."

Eric: er

Eric: quotes were meant around the whole thing, not the last word

Me: lol

Me: oh yeah, we 'processed' that order all right

John: some guy named reggie threw it in a pile

John: then went to lunch

Me: Oh that Reggie! /hands on hips

Me: /audience laffs

Food Products for 200, Alex

2009-08-03T14:43:00.000-04:00

Me: I haven't even eaten all the first set of playdoh
Brian: yet!
Brian: maybe ill give you some bacon salt to season it with
Me: and baconaise?
Brian: no, i fear for your health
Me: really? even with my newfound focus on real foods and exercise?
Brian: that is all +3 health
Brian: baconaise is +20 death

On Categories

2009-06-29T11:02:00.000-04:00

Brian: ahmeninejad got twitter
Brian: you should subscribe
Me: maybe
Brian: its probably something like "all is well, believe in allahs plan"
Me: put him in my "celebrity" group along with Wil Wheaton
Brian: they are similar
Me: totally

Convervation of Mass and Energy

2009-04-09T18:20:00.001-04:00

Leah: and once Joba gets on the mound this weekend, your ERA and WHIP will be sunk
Me: nuh uh Joba is the king
Leah: oh yeah? just like the yankees other two aces that are #1 and #2 in the rotation?
Me: Hey it's april, they're just getting warmed up
Leah: a man as heavy as sabathia shouldn't need warming up
Me: Are you kidding me? He's like a war machine, takes a crew of 5 to get him ready
Leah: he's got plenty of insulation from all those cheeseburgers he's been eating in the off season
Me: Well you need a lot of cheeseburgers to be that awesome

Alternative Means of Payment

2009-04-09T14:44:00.002-04:00

The following conversation took place over Twitter direct messages:

Jason: PS, you still on for drinks tonight? 6/6:30?
Me: Of course dawg!
Me: dood what's your phone number?
Jason: 617-123-4567
Jason: but you may only call it if you're not going to bail
Me: What if I needed to get bailed out of jail?
Jason: Do they take nickels?
Me: We'll find out!

We then proceeded to get yelled at by an old guy at the restaurant who thought we sweared (swore?) too much. Good times.

Speeling

2009-04-03T12:45:00.000-04:00

Me: not enough time to go out to baqck bay
Brent: I assume that's Klingon for Back Bay
Me: come on, the "q" is right next to the "a"
Brent: the fingers you have used, are too fat
Brent: to obtain a special dialing wand, please mash your keypad now
Me: wedfkp;ocseam,kcsea
Brent: osceam to you too sir
Me: osceam or ocseam?
Brent: shit didn't mean to misspell your misspelled word
Me: yeah get it rihgt

C-C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER

2009-03-24T16:02:00.000-04:00

Ed: BOOM DE YADA
Eric: boom de yada!!
Brent: Boom De Yada.
John: BOOM HEADSHOT

Fire Wire

2009-03-17T13:54:00.003-04:00

John: Man on Wire would be a lot better if it were called Man on Fire
Brent: er
Brent: I'm assuming that's just a really bad joke
John: yes but he's on FIRE
Eric: The Wire would be a lot better if it were called The Fire
Eric: about an impossible-to-contain woodlands fire raging in California
Me: Man on Wire on Fire
Me: How about that shit
Me: now I have to sketch that

My Milkshake Brings All the Boys to the Yard

2009-03-03T12:34:00.001-05:00

Joe: Granderson at 15....hmm
Me: granderson is interesting
Joe: 20/20/20
Me: what is the third 20?
Joe: umm, I dunno
Joe: doubles?
Me: SB/HR/milkshakes?

My Dad and Sister are Funny

2009-02-26T11:19:00.001-05:00

Dad: did you hear about the monkey that went apeshit?

_______________________________________________

Dad: Joe namath was a great player, he was a bachelor, dating hot girls, handsome.
Me: like Tony Romo.
Dad: except he didn't suck.

_______________________________________________

Me: Why don't you stand?
Kristina: No, cuz then I wouldn't be sitting

Joe Buck Can Suck It!

2009-02-11T12:54:00.000-05:00

This One Isn't Funny

2009-02-10T10:53:00.000-05:00

It's All About the Food

2009-02-09T17:52:00.000-05:00

More Doodles

2009-02-05T16:51:00.001-05:00

Double Nerd Joke

2009-01-25T09:52:00.002-05:00

Me, thinking: I'm making a note here.

Me, in Visual Studio: //HUGE SUCCESS

Do Not Upset NAnt.

2009-01-20T15:19:00.000-05:00

John: and I had the wrong version of log4net, which displeased NAnt
John: ugh
Me: I love that wording "and I had the wrong version of log4net, which displeased NAnt"
Me: NAnt: I see you are using version 1.2 of log4net. This displeases me.
John: that was the error message!
Me: oh man
Me: +2 to the nant developers for hilarity

Confusion Incarnate

2009-01-05T15:09:00.001-05:00

The Joke That Nearly Killed Me

2009-01-04T17:33:00.004-05:00

[After eating some of KO's pie]
Me: Man, this pie is so good it blew my pants off.
[I try to think up something better.]
Me: This pie literally irradiated my colon.

This Actually Happened.

2008-12-27T22:41:00.004-05:00

Dad: Wow!
Mom: What? [silence] What?!
Me: He probably just found cookies or something.
Dad: Check it out, cookies!

It's Not All About the Weather

2008-12-19T14:48:00.001-05:00

me: remember last year's disaster?
Darcelle J.: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix?
me: ZING!
Darcelle J.: CHOCHANG

Mmmm Steak

2008-12-16T12:18:00.001-05:00

Joe: so we're approaching the end of a medium-size kitchen remodel.
Me: I read that as "so we're approaching the end of a medium-size steak"

It's Amazing How It Works Like That

2008-12-08T16:50:00.003-05:00

**Dec 8 4:45 PM **
Ed: whoa when did it become 4:45
Ed: about 1 minute ago?
John: yes!

Clarity

2008-12-04T09:57:00.000-05:00

Brian: you've had a raptor, right?
Me: the hard drive? yes
Me: the dinosaur, no.

It's Like Dragon Heart

2008-12-03T11:22:00.000-05:00

John L.: BOLD
John L.: I admire your courage. I think I will eat your heart.
Ed S.: no please don't I need my heart to pump blood and to love

Turkey or Regular?

2008-12-02T11:11:00.000-05:00

Brian: hmm... wish i had thought of that
Brian: a bacon bible... nice
Me: is that a bible made of bacon or a book containing all the knowledge in the world about bacon
Me: because either is cool

Happy Turkey Day!

2008-11-27T18:26:00.002-05:00

Kristina: This is my friend. [points to Facebook page]

Me: He looks cool.
Mom: He finished high school.

Me: [laughs]

Kristina: That's right! No GED shit for him!

More family moments to come!

How Many Times Has This Happened to You?

2008-11-19T11:42:00.000-05:00

Ed: hey, I got the info from Dave, working on it now, but I need to query DBLIVE to get the paymentIDs for the script... I don't have a user/pass that works for QA2
Jim: does orange/orange* get you there?
Ed: nope
Jim: k. give me a sec
Ed: k thanks
Jim: try banana/banana*
Jim: be careful. its read/write
Ed: ding
Ed: ok I will
Ed: drop database;
Ed: oops wrong window
Jim: f' you

*Passwords changed obviously.

I Could Have Complained Less

2008-11-12T14:38:00.001-05:00

Ed S.: I hate how people show up late to conference calls
Naz T.: :(
Ed S.: 1:34 start time for 1:30 call
Barack S.: THAT'S 4 MINUTES OF INTERNET BROWSING DOWN THE DRAIN!
Naz T.: yeah how many reddit comments could i make. like 30 loaves
Barack S.: I could convert 10 farmers to Elvi in that time
Naz T.: I could get Subservient Chicken to put the sandwich on his head
Barack S.: I could perform a 58 hit ULTRA combo
Naz T.: I could buy a Toyota with 0% financing and pay nothing til January 2009
Barack S.: I could bust rhymes that flow like phosphorous, poppin off da top o dis esophagus, rockin dis metropolis
Naz T.: I could walk into a Burger King, discreetly use their bathroom, and walk out without buying anything
Barack S.: I could have been a contender
Ed S.: I could have been off the call 4 minutes earlier
Naz T.: calls calls calls, calls from the public
Naz T.: calls calls calls calls
Barack S.: I could walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more just to be the man who walked 1,000 miles to fall down at your dawn
Barack S. : *door
Naz T.: Nicely done
Ed S.: Barack wins

VOTE

2008-11-04T09:05:00.001-05:00

VOTE!

I Only Need 40 More Gamer Points

2008-10-28T12:54:00.001-04:00

Cole H.: Bert and Leonard have a different philosophy than I about many things
Princess I.: yeah they think Miller Lite is delicious, and disc 2 of Xenogears was amazing
Princess I.: philistines!
Cole H.: haha
Rocco B.: Plus Bert's always listening to whatever Ernie says
Rocco B.: Achievement Unlocked: Low Hanging Fruit

Sometimes You Just Can't Know

2008-10-28T11:07:00.000-04:00

Rocco B.: then again, I think my bed might be causing me issues

Princess I.: its a clown bed!?

Rocco B.: it might be

Rocco B.: there are like 40 people in it

Out of Context: I'd Like to Test That GUI

2008-10-27T16:31:00.001-04:00

"His girlfriend had a really pretty looking interface."

10 To The 4th Power

2008-10-22T12:15:00.000-04:00

Joe: After factoring in leap years, I have determined that June 24th of next year will be my 10,000th day on Earth.
Joe: this is huge.
Ed: Have you factored all the time you've spent midair?
Joe: No. Time zone differences do not abide.
Ed: no no, I mean not literally on the earth
Ed: in the air
Ed: like jumping
Ed: or falling
Ed: or that stride mid-run where nothing is touching the ground
Joe: 10,000th day since being born
Ed: ok
Ed: what you really should wait for is the day that the number of days on earth passes the number of Phillies losses
Ed: then you become a real man.
Joe: That'll be a while.
Ed: Phillies have lost 10098 games.
Joe: when is your birthday
Joe: oh the 10th
Joe: ok
Ed: yeah
Joe: 3/28/2009 for you
Ed: for 10k or for10098
Joe: for 10k
Ed: dude, 10k is weak. Phillies losses is the real determinator
Joe: that is stupid.
Joe: determinator isn't even a goddamned word
Ed: it is now
Ed: DISCO SLAM

God I Love This Girl

2008-10-22T10:01:00.001-04:00

"Honey, I'm talking about fantasy, not real life!" --Annie, on fantasy sports trophies and how she claims she has more than I do.

This Happens More Often Than I Would Like

2008-10-20T13:03:00.001-04:00

(12:54:27) OppositeCoho: Hey, is this Tina Fey?
(12:54:35) edgesmash: Nope

I'm Not Going To Touch That

2008-10-16T22:17:00.003-04:00

Annie: Man, the Rays are dominating the Sox. They're making the Sox look like, uhh...
Ed: Like this year's Yankees?
Annie: Don't even say that! Don't compare the Sox to the Yankees! Why don't you just call me fat?!

Setting the Bar High

2008-10-15T11:52:00.002-04:00

"That's how we make good drummers... That's how we make ok drummers... That's how we make Pep Band drummers!" --Keith, pep band drummer, on hazing

Hold On Soldier, the Priest is on the Way

2008-10-14T14:49:00.003-04:00

Agent P.: and i butt in with a CSI Miami opening quote
EdToRights: LOZL
Agent P.: It looks like...::puts on sunglasses::we got ourselves one HOT CASE.
Agent P.: YEAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
EdToRights: CSI Miami is the worst CSI show and the worst Miami show
Agent P.: best Miami show: Scarface the Animated Series
EdToRights: Best CSI show: CSI: World of Warcraft
EdToRights: "Yup, this was definitely a Tauren... but was he alone?" "That's not what I herd." /music: DOO DOOOO
Agent P.: It was definitely those paleskin humans.. ::sunglasses:: ....FOR LOTHAR!
Agent P.: YEAAAAHHHHHHHH

I Choose You, Instant Messenger!

2008-10-13T11:55:00.001-04:00

Brenticus: if I may supply the criticism you are looking for
Brenticus: Pokemon blows
EdToRights: thank you
EdToRights: I needed that

Mega Man 9 Infests My Thoughts

2008-10-08T00:41:00.000-04:00

Schwehmdog: lolz just went from "Robot Master Chosen" to "Everybody Dance Now"
Schwehmdog: Shit I'm fighting Dance Man

New Word from the Old Days

2008-10-05T21:20:00.001-04:00

double-noogie reverse:
1) a maneuver in a video game where you manipulate the game's crappy controls to execute an otherwise obvious move that puts you in a better position.
2) a move so obvious that the opponent doesn't expect it.

Etymology:
In the N64 game Golden Eye, the controls were a little tough. You used the analog stick to move front/back and look left/right. You used the C-buttons to move left/right and look up/down. The overlap of translational and rotational commands was confusing to most, and since the game was basically the first successful FPS for a console, no one was quite used to the scheme.

If you were being shot at from behind, you were pretty much dead. Turn around and fight, and unless the guy had a Kolb, you were dead before you got a shot off. Keep running and he'll just pick you off*. There was one move that worked: At a corner, wait for your opponent, then run past him as he ran around the corner. Then as he turned around to come back you turn around and pass him again. Your opponent would be confused and you'd get away scot free.

It's called the double-noogie reverse because you reverse twice and give the opponent a noogie each time you pass him. Or at least that's what I decided when I coined it in the early 90's.

* Unless you knew the trick of moving forwards and strafing right while facing right of where you wanted to go; the two movement actions added and you got the combined trajectory and went faster than your opponent.

It's like Y2K Without the Fail

2008-09-30T11:48:00.000-04:00

EdToRights: Well, with respect to the economic crisis, I've got all my money in canned foods and guns, so I'm set - in more ways than one.
EdToRights: I either survive or I profit

YKI

2008-09-25T15:26:00.000-04:00

EdToRights: OK well I will probably play tonight
EdToRights: either MM9, CoD4, or H3
EdToRights: 9 > 4 + 3, so it'll probably be MM

Also Known as a Farm Tool

2008-09-22T15:18:00.003-04:00

Eric M.:
Professor S.: poor Gumshoe can't even play the triangle
Agent P.: he was playing fine. she's just a 5 lb bag of ho

Direct All Hate Mail Away From Me

2008-09-22T11:53:00.001-04:00

Professor S.: but I don't keep games I buy anyway
Professor S.: planning to sell all my ds games anyway
Agent P.: just mail 7.77$ in royalties to Capcom
Eric M.: This is one of the reasons the "I can warez any games I want, then buy the ones I really like" argument is difficult to make
Professor S. : ya srsly
Professor S.: if I could just give Capcom $20, I'd do it
Professor S.: do they have a paypal donate link?
Agent P.: just mail it:
Agent P.: CAPCOM, INC.
123 Fushugi Yugi Way
Samurai Boulevard
Fugu, Tokyo, CHING CHONG JAPAN, 7777777777

Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Start

2008-09-19T10:57:00.000-04:00

Aaron: I figure Texeira replacing Giambi is pretty much a sure thing unless the Angels throw enough money at him
Aaron: and apparently there are rumors that Manny wants to sign with New York so that he can beat up Boston 18 times a year
Ed: ha funny
Aaron: any team with Manny and A-Rod on it is unfair
Aaron: they use cheat codes

Don't Click The Link!

2008-09-11T16:31:00.001-04:00

Harry P.: dont go here if you dont want to get fired for laughing too hard http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3159/2807838577_83cbed0126_o.jpg?t=1053139
Harry P.: cause I just did
Professor S.: I didn't think it was that funn-- OH SHIT IM FIRED

Donkey Kong, That Is

2008-09-03T09:22:00.002-04:00

Annie and I saw a rather large woman slowing getting into a car this morning...

Ed: That woman has a hu-uuge ass!
Annie: That leg looks like the Leg of Kong!

Hold It!

2008-09-01T14:38:00.003-04:00

I played too much Phoenix Wright this weekend. When I was debating politics with my dad, I slammed my hands down on the table every time I wanted to make a point.

Common Sense: I Has None

2008-08-26T19:46:00.003-04:00

"See, this is what I mean about you and common sense. 'Oh, Ed got a raise, but he forgot how to walk so he fell down the stairs." --Annie

Ahh, The Wonders of Fatherhood

2008-08-22T08:48:00.000-04:00

Joe: I have figured out how to balance my son on my chest while I work on the laptop
Joe: I feel awesome

Who Needs MLB Gameday?

2008-08-13T15:38:00.001-04:00

Me: hey pudge doesn't suck! just hit a single
Me: hey betemit doesn't suck! just hit a single
Me: awww crap melky sucks

I love my coworkers.

2008-07-29T15:19:00.001-04:00

"Hey Ed, suck it!" --Matt

Beware the Mystical Tomes

2008-07-29T15:18:00.000-04:00

"It's like a magical poem."

The Answer Man!

2008-07-16T16:00:00.001-04:00

Ed: because basically until we have AI that works, auto-GC will not work.
Ed: the best we can hope for is something like Newton's F=ma, which is close enough for most everything
Ed: but enough of that
Ed: I'm a GC/threading/struct master in .NET now
Ed: ASK ME A QUESTION
Ed: HIT ME
Edith: when synchronous methods are invoked, in what order do they get cleaned up?
Ed: RANDOM ORDER
Ed: fuck I dunno

Don't Piss Off Annie

2008-07-16T11:24:00.001-04:00

"Even CVS knows I'm a bitch lately... they mailed me free tampons."

If Then Else

2008-07-09T14:41:00.000-04:00

Brian: heh, im an ass. i had to go through my email and remove my sly comments that i added without thinking
me: hahaha
me: well you're not an ass, you just lack tact sometimes
Brian: nah, the tact lack is chosen
me: then you are an ass

Has A Cool Nickname

2008-07-02T11:14:00.002-04:00

The top two are the best:

Who Are You?

2008-06-29T16:30:00.003-04:00

I got back from my honeymoon on Thursday and went to the mall on Saturday. I saw a coworker there and spoke to her:

Me: So did the office function without me?
Shana: You were gone?

I guess they did.

It's Like Metal Gear But Without Pants

2008-06-06T09:29:00.003-04:00

During the walk to lunch one day...

Ed: Now's your big chance Arthur, you could pee your pants right now.
Arthur: I could.
Joseph: But do you have any clothes to change into?
Arthur: Yeah I have three pairs of pants at the office.
Ed: But do you have any underwear?
Arthur: No, I can just go commando.
Ed: But your balls will be soaked with urine.

Ben and John only heard that last line. Needless to say, they were confused.

To Avoid Any Confusion

2008-05-20T16:12:00.001-04:00

me: I'm going to say this again: SODOMY IS NOT TO BE BROUGHT UP
me: I can't be any clearer.

BOOM DE YADA

2008-05-06T12:19:00.001-04:00

Eric: Boom Blox
Eric: I can't wait for that
Eric: MB will enjoy it
Ed: it's like terrorist jenga, right?

Sillyness Theater

2008-04-30T14:33:00.003-04:00

Once upon a time, a few coworkers and I were in a terribly boring and unorganized meeting. By the end of the day, we were bored out of our minds. We'd been communicating by IM...

Joseph: why can't this meeting just end?
me: you have to explicitly call the garbage collector
Joseph: thisMeeting.Dispose();
Tristan: hahahah
me: can you help me with this SQL?
Tristan: what is it?
me: Select * from articles where category_code = 'N'
Tristan: whats the problem?
me: returns Count Chocula

The Clowns Scare Me

2008-04-24T09:27:00.001-04:00

Amr: You going to the circus this weekend?
me: No. I'm an adult.

The Ultimate Way To End Any Conversation

2008-04-18T14:45:00.001-04:00

"But anyway, let's get some pizza. I'm fucking starving."

As Previously Stated, Clowns Are Not Good At Baseball

2008-04-15T15:23:00.001-04:00

Caf: "the first thing i thought when i heard we got ourselves nick swisher was 'oh man, we got ourselves a baseball player'" [quoting the White Sox commentator]
Me: which was good, because previously the White Sox were fielding a team of clowns

IM FIRED

2008-04-04T10:23:00.001-04:00

me: just got my performance review document
me: turns out I'm not fired
me: who knew?!
me: "Ed is very forward looking in terms of technology, yet still grounded in reality in terms of what is practical. The mix of these two qualities makes his opinions and insights very relevant to a lot of the work we do. "
John: I got that in my fortune cookie yesterday

Captain Falcon and the Three Muskateers

2008-04-01T10:55:00.000-04:00

Brian: FALCON BORED
me: FALCON NAP

Baseball's Back!

2008-03-30T21:47:00.001-04:00

The following conversation took place over text messages:

Ed: Brandon Inge is Detroit's center fielder. Funny all by itself.
Caf: Juan Pierre is no longer a starter. Excellent all by itself.
Ed: It's a good day.

Fair Notice

2008-03-14T10:25:00.003-04:00

Before meeting a friend for lunch one day, his significant other sent this IM (names have been changed to protect the hilarious):

FYI for later, Schwehmdog... Dan was acting like an ass goblin last night, so I got us dinner at Chipotle and had them spike his burrito with atomic salsa. he was in extreme gastronomic discomfort this morning. So, I apologize if he's ornery at lunch.

You Know, The Nazis Had Pieces of Flare They Made the Jews Wear

2008-03-05T14:29:00.002-05:00

This is just a much funnier title for a entry I did over on IPROD. If you were hoping for a funny, tough luck. Get used to disappointment.

I Rule At Cranium

2008-03-03T10:23:00.003-05:00

This weekend I was playing Cranium Pop 5, which is a version of cranium where you get to choose which type of activity you want to use to get your team to guess the word (the other team gets to choose the number of points each activity is worth). So clearly some categories don't work well with some events: it can be hard to hum "acid-washed jeans".

We were doing guys vs. girls, and as usual the guys were losing. I was on a roll though when it was my turn to act/draw/hum/scuplt, so when it came around to me, I said that no matter what I was doing the 5 point event (the most difficult, as chosen by the other team). What did I commit myself to? I had to sculpt the song "Love Shack". And you know what? I did it. Our team still lost but I was a fucking winner.

Sulfur Hexa-what?

2008-02-21T10:55:00.004-05:00

Sulfur hexafloride is a gas that is five times denser than air (meaning mainly oxygen and nitrogen). It has some interesting properties, like the fact that you can FLOAT A FUCKING BOAT ON IT! But even more awesome than that is the fact that inhaling it has the opposite effect on your voice from helium; it makes your voice sound like Darth Vader. Of course, you can also hurt yourself in the same way as helium. Wikipedia offers this warning:

"Although inhaling SF6 can be a novel amusement, the practice can be dangerous because, like all gases other than oxygen, the SF6 displaces the oxygen needed for breathing."

Ignoring the ambiguous subject, this could more hilariously be written like this:

"Although inhaling SF6 can be a novel amusement, the practice can be dangerous because, like all gases other than oxygen, it is not oxygen."

Who's the Man? I'm the Man!

2008-02-16T23:31:00.004-05:00

We had our department ski trip last Friday and boy was I on fire! I had at least three totally hilarious moments, one of which was unintentional. Here they are in their hilarity:

One of my coworkers, John, was late to the bus in the morning. We tried calling him, but he didn't answer. Someone thought that he might be driving so fast he didn't want to pick up the cell phone. I said "Maybe he's driving so fast the cell phone waves couldn't keep up with him!"

Later, everyone was talking up how great lunch was going to be. I swear, it was like this lunch was going to be the end all be all! So when we sat down before lunch was ready, I said, "I'm going to be really disappointed if this lunch doesn't blow my pants off."

Then as we were eating lunch, a female coworker sitting next to me was pouring over a trail map. She said to me, "I'm trying to figure out where I've been." I thought she was asking me, so I replied, "I don't know where you've been." As I said it, I realized what I said and could barely contain my laughter. I looked up, and half the guys at the table were doing the same.

This Makes No Sense

2008-02-08T15:45:00.000-05:00

AxAx: So there's some kind of weird math that was done
FxBx: more like gay math
Ed S.: more like weird gay weird math
FxBx: more like a gay dog that shits fractions
Ed S.: more like a weird gay fraction that shits gay dogs

That's About It

2008-01-31T17:26:00.001-05:00

FxBx:I think the only subjects I haven't insulted and been pissed at are butterchurns and Interstate 75
Ed S.: FUCK INTERSTATE 75
Basil I.: don't fuck with butterchurns

Possibly a Sharpie?

2008-01-30T14:54:00.000-05:00

FxBx: Tristam was the guy in final fantasy mystic quest
Ed S.: Noted.
FxBx: its very important!
Ed S.: Noted with permanent marker.

I Don't Get It

2008-01-28T22:28:00.000-05:00

After getting stuck behind a slow-driving Nissan Quest, I got a little heated: "Quest? More like fuck!"