No Cake-Walk

On child-birthing class:

Annie: And maybe you can meet some other new dads and make friends.

Me: I'm going to treat this like prison: I've gotta either kick someone's ass or become someone's bitch on the first day.

Half-Empty

If you've played any Mario game in the past 6 years, you're well familiar with the phrase "It's-a me, Mario!" If you've played Mario Kart, you may be familiar with Mario's brother's call: "I'm-a Luigi, I'm-a gonna win!" Given how many times I've lost while playing as Luigi, I've co-opted that phrase as such: "I'm-a Luigi, I'm-a gonna lose!" Well, Annie has her own take on it:

Annie: "I'm-a Luigi, I'm-a gonna die!"

A New Brew

So, with the pregnancy and all, obviously Annie can't drink. But I can. I try to be sensitive and not drink beers she likes, but the other day, I found a Sam Summer in the back of the fridge. Not thinking, I grabbed it and started drinking. Annie saw me, and was not pleased.

Annie: Honey, that's not fair! You can't drink Sam Summer in front of me!

Me: I'm sorry, but honey, wait...

I retreated to the kitchen, and moments later, returned:

Me: It's not a Sam Summer, it's a Samuel Badams Stupid Ale!

A Matter of Perspective

Annie: What do you want to do tonight?
Ed: We could just sit and stare into each other's eyes lovingly.
Annie: Awwww!!!
Ed: But that gets boring fast.

Facts of Life

"I don't know anything. Well, I know two things. I know I love you, and I know Cheetos are delicious. That's it." --Me, to Annie

I Don't Think That's How the Phrase Goes

"When you assume, you put me up your ass." -Annie

God I Love This Girl

"Honey, I'm talking about fantasy, not real life!" --Annie, on fantasy sports trophies and how she claims she has more than I do.

I'm Not Going To Touch That

Annie: Man, the Rays are dominating the Sox. They're making the Sox look like, uhh...
Ed: Like this year's Yankees?
Annie: Don't even say that! Don't compare the Sox to the Yankees! Why don't you just call me fat?!

Donkey Kong, That Is

Annie and I saw a rather large woman slowing getting into a car this morning...

Ed: That woman has a hu-uuge ass!
Annie: That leg looks like the Leg of Kong!

Common Sense: I Has None

"See, this is what I mean about you and common sense. 'Oh, Ed got a raise, but he forgot how to walk so he fell down the stairs." --Annie

Don't Piss Off Annie

"Even CVS knows I'm a bitch lately... they mailed me free tampons."

I Can Think of a Few Others

Annie: "When you say 'yes' to be a groomsman this means you MUST be at the wedding. The only time you are allowed to not be at the wedding is if you DIE."

A Rare Glimpse Into The Bedroom

A preface: You know how writers attempt to put sounds down with letters? Like typing "Ow!" or "Arf!"? And how sometimes those letters should be interperted directly, like "Ow", and sometimes they require some imagination, like "Arf"? Well, all of the sounds in this post should be interperted as the former: exactly as they're written.

On to the story!

This weekend, I was laying in bed, under the covers, on Saturday night watching TV (yes, I have an amazing social life) when Annie walked in. She looked at me and said jokingly, "What happened to the romantic man who proposed to me?"

So, without emotion, I flipped off the covers, posed in my ratty Jets T-shirt and baggy boxer shorts, and said "Rrrowrr". I must have looked about as sexy as the hobo who lives in Back Bay subway station.

What Not To Do In Life: Rule 1

Yesterday Annie and I were driving home from playing a little softball with some of our teammates. She wanted some beer (Blue Moon, specifically), so we kept our eyes peeled for a liquor store. On Mystic Ave, she spots the Atlas Liquors. I'm driving around 40MPH, and Atlas is coming up really fast, so (after checking my mirrors) I hit the breaks hard. I then see that the curb ends much farther up that I thought it did, but it is somewhat rounded. So I cut in, bounce over the curb, brakes squealling, and pull right into a parking spot perfectly.

Annie looks over at me with this embarrassed look. I say "What?", then I notice three people inside the store staring out at us... and one of them's a cop! Annie refuses to go in, she's so embarrassed by my entrance. I take another glance, and the people are still staring. So I do what any redblooded American would do; I threw the car in reverse, and very carefully left the scene.

Alcamahol

Annie: Smell my breath!
Ed: Um... smells like alcohol.
Annie: Smells like peppermint!

This Is Not The Blog Post You Are Looking For

I was in the car with Annie the other day. I started to tell some story or something, but was distracted by something or other.

Annie: Anyway, what were you saying?
Ed: Um, ah.... I don't remember. Pretend I said something funny.
Annie: [laughing hysterically] You're so funny!
Ed: Yeah, I crack myself up.

Skillful Maneuvering

This morning Annie made me breakfast, so she was already up a few points. I asked her what the temperature was like outside, and she said she didn't know. She looked out the window...

Annie: I see a girl out there wearing a light jacket, so it can't be that bad.
Ed: Ok, no jacket for me then.
Annie: Well, she might just be wearing it to look cute.
Ed: Oh... is it working?
Annie: Yeah.

Then, as conspicuously as I could, I leaned over and looked out the window. Annie didn't notice! I was trying to be funny but she missed it! Then, like five minutes later, she's two rooms over, and I hear "HEY!"

A Fish Story

This is a story of a fish named Steve.

Annie and I went out to Kowloon Restaurant this past weekend. If you've never been, it's kind of a all-Asian restaurant. It has Szechuan, Polynesian, Hong Kong, Thai, Sushi, Cantonese, and even some American dishes. As such, the menu is huge (it's numbered, and the highest number I noticed was in the 500s). After quick some deliberation, I decided upon a Thai dish called Plu Ray Fish, or something like that. The dish contained fish with a hot pepper sauce, something that sounded delicious and different. Annie ordered some sort of chicken and vegetable dish, and we ordered an appetizer plate. The appetizers were great. Then, without fanfare, enter Steve, stage left.

I apologize for the poor photo quality; my cell phone camera sucks.

Apparently, I had neglected to read the entire description of the entree, specifically the part that read "whole fish". And so it came to Steve, on my plate, staring back at me in my seat.

Suffice it to say, I'm not a big fan of fish bones in my fish, and I lacked the eating skills to adequately separate meat from bone.

Trials and Tribulations

Annie: "What's wrong?"
Ed: "Grrr... this is hard."
Annie: "Oh, it's so tough being you."
Ed: "I need a shotgun."

Tag Team for relationship bashing

Here are two funny moments, both involving my fiance (Annie) and I, taking turns being the funny one.

My coworker, Ben, mentioned that one of his roommates is a pirate by profession. Yes, a pirate. Well, I guess a pirate actor. He is hired by people to put on pirate acts, swordfights, and general swashbuckling. I explain this to Annie, and she says entirely without sarcasm or humor: "Is he single?"

I had to return the favor. Driving back from my friend's place on Sunday night, I apparently forgot to do something or other. I admitted it to Annie, then said: "Obviously, I'm an idiot, but I love you."