I Can Haz Physics

Mom: Put down that balloon and help!

Dad: I can't put it down, it only goes up!

I Don't Think That's How the Phrase Goes

"When you assume, you put me up your ass." -Annie

My Dad and Sister are Funny

Dad: did you hear about the monkey that went apeshit?

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Dad: Joe namath was a great player, he was a bachelor, dating hot girls, handsome.
Me: like Tony Romo.
Dad: except he didn't suck.

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Me: Why don't you stand? 
Kristina: No, cuz then I wouldn't be sitting

It's Not All About the Weather

me: remember last year's disaster?
Darcelle J.: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix?
me: ZING!
Darcelle J.: CHOCHANG

I Could Have Complained Less

Ed S.: I hate how people show up late to conference calls
Naz T.: :(
Ed S.: 1:34 start time for 1:30 call
Barack S.: THAT'S 4 MINUTES OF INTERNET BROWSING DOWN THE DRAIN!
Naz T.: yeah how many reddit comments could i make. like 30 loaves
Barack S.: I could convert 10 farmers to Elvi in that time
Naz T.: I could get Subservient Chicken to put the sandwich on his head
Barack S.: I could perform a 58 hit ULTRA combo
Naz T.: I could buy a Toyota with 0% financing and pay nothing til January 2009
Barack S.: I could bust rhymes that flow like phosphorous, poppin off da top o dis esophagus, rockin dis metropolis
Naz T.: I could walk into a Burger King, discreetly use their bathroom, and walk out without buying anything
Barack S.: I could have been a contender
Ed S.: I could have been off the call 4 minutes earlier
Naz T.: calls calls calls, calls from the public
Naz T.: calls calls calls calls
Barack S.: I could walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more just to be the man who walked 1,000 miles to fall down at your dawn
Barack S. : *door
Naz T.: Nicely done
Ed S.: Barack wins

Also Known as a Farm Tool

Eric M.:
Professor S.: poor Gumshoe can't even play the triangle
Agent P.: he was playing fine. she's just a 5 lb bag of ho

Direct All Hate Mail Away From Me

Professor S.: but I don't keep games I buy anyway
Professor S.: planning to sell all my ds games anyway
Agent P.: just mail 7.77$ in royalties to Capcom
Eric M.: This is one of the reasons the "I can warez any games I want, then buy the ones I really like" argument is difficult to make
Professor S. : ya srsly
Professor S.: if I could just give Capcom $20, I'd do it
Professor S.: do they have a paypal donate link?
Agent P.: just mail it:
Agent P.: CAPCOM, INC.
123 Fushugi Yugi Way
Samurai Boulevard
Fugu, Tokyo, CHING CHONG JAPAN, 7777777777

Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Start

Aaron: I figure Texeira replacing Giambi is pretty much a sure thing unless the Angels throw enough money at him
Aaron: and apparently there are rumors that Manny wants to sign with New York so that he can beat up Boston 18 times a year
Ed: ha funny
Aaron: any team with Manny and A-Rod on it is unfair
Aaron: they use cheat codes

Common Sense: I Has None

"See, this is what I mean about you and common sense. 'Oh, Ed got a raise, but he forgot how to walk so he fell down the stairs." --Annie

Ahh, The Wonders of Fatherhood

Joe: I have figured out how to balance my son on my chest while I work on the laptop
Joe: I feel awesome

I love my coworkers.

"Hey Ed, suck it!" --Matt

Has A Cool Nickname

The top two are the best:

Who Are You?

I got back from my honeymoon on Thursday and went to the mall on Saturday. I saw a coworker there and spoke to her:

Me: So did the office function without me?
Shana: You were gone?

I guess they did.

IM FIRED

me: just got my performance review document
me: turns out I'm not fired
me: who knew?!
me: "Ed is very forward looking in terms of technology, yet still grounded in reality in terms of what is practical. The mix of these two qualities makes his opinions and insights very relevant to a lot of the work we do. "
John: I got that in my fortune cookie yesterday

Fair Notice

Before meeting a friend for lunch one day, his significant other sent this IM (names have been changed to protect the hilarious):

FYI for later, Schwehmdog... Dan was acting like an ass goblin last night, so I got us dinner at Chipotle and had them spike his burrito with atomic salsa. he was in extreme gastronomic discomfort this morning. So, I apologize if he's ornery at lunch.

That's About It

FxBx:I think the only subjects I haven't insulted and been pissed at are butterchurns and Interstate 75
Ed S.: FUCK INTERSTATE 75
Basil I.: don't fuck with butterchurns

IFOD

AxAx: sorry I'm back
AxAx: Opera was screwing up
AxAx: It was making everything people typed look like their name
FxBx: ahhh
ExSx: ExSx
KxDx: KxDx
FxBx: You guys are awful
FxBx: I mean
FxBx: FxBx
AxAx: :P

Yeah, I Said It.

I was playing some Halo 3 online the other night and got invited to play with a group of people. These three guys were all friends from their hometown who were at college, using Halo to stay connected. Cool. Also, being undergrads, they were not short with the "mom" jokes and whatnot. After about an hour playing with them, I decided to join the bandwagon. When my character was killed in a particularly brutal way, I said "Man, I just got boned worse than Billy's mom."

Silence.

"Hey, I'm just trying to fit in," I offered. I got possibly the best reply ever: "It's easy to fit into Billy's mom."

This Week in Current Events

Brian: I am Don mattingly to your joe torre
Brian: on a side note, you're fired

Well, Is It?

Eric comes through again with the best Web 2.0 application ever.