I Can Haz Physics

Mom: Put down that balloon and help!

Dad: I can't put it down, it only goes up!

My Dad and Sister are Funny

Dad: did you hear about the monkey that went apeshit?

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Dad: Joe namath was a great player, he was a bachelor, dating hot girls, handsome.
Me: like Tony Romo.
Dad: except he didn't suck.

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Me: Why don't you stand? 
Kristina: No, cuz then I wouldn't be sitting

This Actually Happened.

Dad: Wow!
Mom: What? [silence] What?!
Me: He probably just found cookies or something.
Dad: Check it out, cookies!