Due Diligence

At lunch the other day, we came up with an idea to better utilize all the free things that are available (for example, free coffee at Peet's). You would install an application on your PDA or cell phone, and it would buzz when you were near a free thing.

Coworker: "Well, how would we get funding?"
Me: "First, it needs to be 1995."

Drive to the Hoop

At work today, I attempted to levy a compliment on a coworker, stating that he is always very chill and calm. He dismissed it, saying that I just haven't seen him when he's upset. We jovially went back forth on this until I gave up.

Me: "Well, I was just trying to give you a compliment."
Coworker: [in a chill manner] "Rejected."

The Life of George

(Note: this story isn't about me being funny, but it was too humorous to pass up telling.)

I was on the Cape this weekend with for Easter my family, my girlfriend, and her parents. After eating the big Easter meal, we went to a place where you can park and look out at the beach. It being the beach, we saw many seagulls. One particular seagull stood out though. We named him George.

George was standing on a "Don't walk on the bank! Use the stairs!" sign as we approached. Rather than fly off as most seagulls would, he hung around, hoping we might throw him some food. My dad got a half-eaten bagel from the car (no, not my car) and started throwing some to George. George grabbed a few mid air before many other seagulls descended on him to fight for the food. My dad started throwing chunks of bagel far away, and George and his friends would try to grab the food midair.

All that is pretty standard, but what happened next was the funny bit. We run out of bagel, but that won't stop George. We see him flying towards us with something in his beak. When he lands on the sign, we notice that the thing in his beak is not bagel, but a large chunk of wood. He seems to show it to us, as a trophy. For about three minutes, he just stood there, showing off his block of wood, then flew away. We watched him land and try to eat the wood.

Needless to say, he had little success.

Verbosity

Girlfriend: "You have something in your shoe."
Me: <looks at shoe>
Girlfriend: "No, no, tooth."
Me: "I have a tooth in my shoe?"

Pet peeves

"He was smacking me in the head. I hate it when people hit me in the head."

Alternative Medicine

A coworker stopped by my office as he was leaving and commented on how he was probably only going to get two or three hours of sleep that night. I suggested he instead spend the time playing his current video game, Kingdom Hearts 2.

Coworker: "Well, I need to catch up on my sleep."
Me: "Playing video games is as good as sleep."

On, of, or relating to Neighbors

The woman who rents the apartment above mine is a flight attendant. Her occupation doesn't really affect me one way or another, since even when she is home, she is pretty invisible.

We noticed a new Volkswagon Beetle parked around our apartment frequently. What's noticable about this Beetle is that it is painted like a ladybug. We were curious who owned the car.

Finally, my girlfriend saw the flight attendant get into the Beetle. She told me about it:

Girlfriend: "She's a little weird."
Me: "Well, of course she's weird. She's a flight attendant."

Projections of Reality

I was talking to a friend Joe over IM the other day. This friend is a Star Wars nut, and I has just gone to see the Star Wars exhibit at the Museum of Science. I was explaining it to him when he came back with this:

Joe: this sounds like science fiction

to which I responded

Me: ITS THE STAR WARS EXHIBIT

The Classics

A classic funny moment, brought to you by the letter D.

Watching the movie "The Brotherhood of The Wolf", I noticed that the characters slaughtered hundreds of wolves and simply threw their carcasses in a pile. I said to my fellow movie watchers that this seemed to be a big waste of meat, that the commoners were starving and wolf meat is better than no wolf meat. My friends thought that was hilarious, and badgered me about wolf meat for months.

A different group of friends (separated by geography) got word of this incident, and ended up inventing a phrase that I said: "I need more meat in my wolf nuggets." I have never said that, nor will I ever, but it still comes up when I see anyone I know.