A Matter of Perspective

Annie: What do you want to do tonight?
Ed: We could just sit and stare into each other's eyes lovingly.
Annie: Awwww!!!
Ed: But that gets boring fast.

Texts From a Christmas Party

Me: What are the names of the counselors from our youth group? They're here and I don't want to embarrass myself.
Bill: Doug and Kelly. Give them my regards. Sorry I never called back.
Me: Thanks. That's ok, I know you're a jerk. Your mom says hi.
Bill: We are at Grill 23 eating steak.
Me: You son of a bitch. I just had a kobe beef slider, but you're going to have a whole kobe beef steak.
Bill: Yeah not going to lie this place is amazing.
Me: Doug and Kelly say hi. Sue and Wendy say hi. Sue says you're a deadbeat

Facts of Life

"I don't know anything. Well, I know two things. I know I love you, and I know Cheetos are delicious. That's it." --Me, to Annie

Family Planning

Me: So I heard you're getting engaged.
Sally: So I heard you're making little Ed-babies.
Me: Well, it looks like we're all moving forward.

Aiming High

Ed: are you president yet?

Joe: working on it.

Ed: come on man

Ed: I can't wait for you to be prez and to call you and be like "Sup Mr. President"

Ed: its gonna be so much fun when you are president

Ed: "President Bodell"

Ed: lol

Ed: Hell, even "Senator Bodell" has a great ring to it

Ed: "Governor Bodell"

Ed: "Judge Bodell"

Ed: "Principal Bodell"

Joe: "Trash collector Bodell"

Ed: "Inmate 29572"

I Don't Think That's How the Phrase Goes

"When you assume, you put me up your ass." -Annie

It's All in the Name

Ed: Eric: the nutrageous bar you gave me is saving my life right now

Ed: my hunger level was over 9000

Brent: now where is it?

Ed: 4

Brent: that's NUTRAGEOUS!

Culinary Delights

Me: I have enough on my plate, this is for you to organize.

Brian: i thought you always cleaned your plate

Me: nope

Brian: what if there was bacon on it

Me: how much bacon?

Brian: 23 bacon units

Me: what is the conversion from bacon units to 8"x1" strips of bacon?

Brian: wouldnt you like to know

Instant Laughs

Eric: Your registration of ohnoyourmoney.com for 1 year has been "processed."

Eric: er

Eric: quotes were meant around the whole thing, not the last word

Me: lol

Me: oh yeah, we 'processed' that order all right

John: some guy named reggie threw it in a pile

John: then went to lunch

Me: Oh that Reggie! /hands on hips

Me: /audience laffs

Food Products for 200, Alex

Me: I haven't even eaten all the first set of playdoh
Brian: yet!
Brian: maybe ill give you some bacon salt to season it with
Me: and baconaise?
Brian: no, i fear for your health
Me: really? even with my newfound focus on real foods and exercise?
Brian: that is all +3 health
Brian: baconaise is +20 death

On Categories

Brian: ahmeninejad got twitter
Brian: you should subscribe
Me: maybe
Brian: its probably something like "all is well, believe in allahs plan"
Me: put him in my "celebrity" group along with Wil Wheaton
Brian: they are similar
Me: totally

Convervation of Mass and Energy

Leah: and once Joba gets on the mound this weekend, your ERA and WHIP will be sunk
Me: nuh uh Joba is the king
Leah: oh yeah? just like the yankees other two aces that are #1 and #2 in the rotation?
Me: Hey it's april, they're just getting warmed up
Leah: a man as heavy as sabathia shouldn't need warming up
Me: Are you kidding me? He's like a war machine, takes a crew of 5 to get him ready
Leah: he's got plenty of insulation from all those cheeseburgers he's been eating in the off season
Me: Well you need a lot of cheeseburgers to be that awesome

Alternative Means of Payment

The following conversation took place over Twitter direct messages:

Jason: PS, you still on for drinks tonight? 6/6:30?
Me: Of course dawg!
Me: dood what's your phone number?
Jason: 617-123-4567
Jason: but you may only call it if you're not going to bail
Me: What if I needed to get bailed out of jail?
Jason: Do they take nickels?
Me: We'll find out!

We then proceeded to get yelled at by an old guy at the restaurant who thought we sweared (swore?) too much. Good times.

Speeling

Me: not enough time to go out to baqck bay
Brent: I assume that's Klingon for Back Bay
Me: come on, the "q" is right next to the "a"
Brent: the fingers you have used, are too fat
Brent: to obtain a special dialing wand, please mash your keypad now
Me: wedfkp;ocseam,kcsea
Brent: osceam to you too sir
Me: osceam or ocseam?
Brent: shit didn't mean to misspell your misspelled word
Me: yeah get it rihgt

C-C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER

Ed: BOOM DE YADA
Eric: boom de yada!!
Brent: Boom De Yada.
John: BOOM HEADSHOT

Fire Wire

John: Man on Wire would be a lot better if it were called Man on Fire
Brent: er
Brent: I'm assuming that's just a really bad joke
John: yes but he's on FIRE
Eric: The Wire would be a lot better if it were called The Fire
Eric: about an impossible-to-contain woodlands fire raging in California
Me: Man on Wire on Fire
Me: How about that shit
Me: now I have to sketch that

My Milkshake Brings All the Boys to the Yard

Joe: Granderson at 15....hmm
Me: granderson is interesting
Joe: 20/20/20
Me: what is the third 20?
Joe: umm, I dunno
Joe: doubles?
Me: SB/HR/milkshakes?

My Dad and Sister are Funny

Dad: did you hear about the monkey that went apeshit?

_______________________________________________

Dad: Joe namath was a great player, he was a bachelor, dating hot girls, handsome.
Me: like Tony Romo.
Dad: except he didn't suck.

_______________________________________________

Me: Why don't you stand? 
Kristina: No, cuz then I wouldn't be sitting

Joe Buck Can Suck It!

This One Isn't Funny

It's All About the Food

More Doodles

Double Nerd Joke

Me, thinking: I'm making a note here.

Me, in Visual Studio: //HUGE SUCCESS

Do Not Upset NAnt.

John: and I had the wrong version of log4net, which displeased NAnt
John: ugh
Me: I love that wording "and I had the wrong version of log4net, which displeased NAnt"
Me: NAnt: I see you are using version 1.2 of log4net. This displeases me.
John: that was the error message!
Me: oh man
Me: +2 to the nant developers for hilarity

Confusion Incarnate

The Joke That Nearly Killed Me

[After eating some of KO's pie]
Me: Man, this pie is so good it blew my pants off.
[I try to think up something better.]
Me: This pie literally irradiated my colon.