Sunday, December 23, 2007

Sorry, This One Is Sports Related

John has got me hooked on Baseball Mogul (a game where you simulate being general manager for a major league baseball team); I've been running my fictional Oakland A's for 5 game years so far. You have to know something of baseball to get the joke below:

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

I'll Have a Funglandectomy

Annie and I went out to dinner tonight, and I generally acted like a big goofball. When the check came, I had trouble calculating the tip. I paid with a credit card, so I actually had to do math on the receipt. I wanted to try that new idea where you make the cents digit equal to some checksum to prevent tip fraud, but instead I just couldn't do math.

"It's like my funny gland is overriding my math center," I said. "I try to do two plus three and I get smiley face."

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Yeah, I Said It.

I was playing some Halo 3 online the other night and got invited to play with a group of people. These three guys were all friends from their hometown who were at college, using Halo to stay connected. Cool. Also, being undergrads, they were not short with the "mom" jokes and whatnot. After about an hour playing with them, I decided to join the bandwagon. When my character was killed in a particularly brutal way, I said "Man, I just got boned worse than Billy's mom."


"Hey, I'm just trying to fit in," I offered. I got possibly the best reply ever: "It's easy to fit into Billy's mom."

Friday, October 26, 2007

Gotta Play the Matchups

"The weather splits are ridiculous." -me, talking to a coworker about the crazy weather yesterday ("splits" = a type of statistic for sports, e.g.)

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

This Week in Current Events

Brian: I am Don mattingly to your joe torre
Brian: on a side note, you're fired

Monday, October 15, 2007


John: mine was -Q
Ed: minus queue?

Well, Is It?

Eric comes through again with the best Web 2.0 application ever.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Apathy? Eh.

Ed: apparently I also said "fuck it" to frammaer and speliong

Thursday, September 20, 2007

You Wouldn't Think They Would Help

Ed: three hot dogs for lunch = not so good
Ed: feeling quite woozy
Coworker: that's not good
Ed: animal crackers are helping

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

I Can Think of a Few Others

Annie: "When you say 'yes' to be a groomsman this means you MUST be at the wedding. The only time you are allowed to not be at the wedding is if you DIE."

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

What's In A Name?

I think I did pretty good with my fantasy football team names this year. I usually just go with "Neosporin Squad" but I thought I'd try a few new ones:

  • Brady Quinn's a Dick
  • Pacman for Prez
  • You're The Man Now Dogs
  • Body by Mangini (blatantly stolen from Kissing Suzy Kolber)
I think I should change the Pacman one to "Vick/Pacman in '08". Yup, I just did.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Wounded in the Line of Battle

I bought a shovel this weekend so I could move excess dirt from one side of my yard to the other side, where rain had formed large gullies in the new lawn. I was pretty excited to use my shovel, and I perhaps got a little carried away. On the third shovel-load of dirt, I felt a slight twinge in the right side of my back. I gingerly tested it and decided I could work through it.

90 minutes later I come inside and sit on the couch to watch football. When the time comes for me to get up, I could barely move my back; it had become crazy swollen and sore. It still hurts.

Moral of the story: be kind to your back.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

A Play In Two Acts

EdToRights: hahahah
EdToRights: I'm tired
EdToRights: /casts osmose
EdToRights: /sucks -34 MP from John because John is undead
EdToRights: ACK
CompulsiveLarsenist: /Casts death on self
CompulsiveLarsenist: +9999 hp
EdToRights: Oh noes
EdToRights: /casts curaga on John
CompulsiveLarsenist: -9999 hp
CompulsiveLarsenist: My magic defense is 1 :(
EdToRights: :(
EdToRights: :)
EdToRights: OOh undead are vulnerable to fire
EdToRights: /casts fira
CompulsiveLarsenist: -5000 hp
CompulsiveLarsenist: ::Quick flashes of light::
CompulsiveLarsenist: URRRGGHHHH
CompulsiveLarsenist has left the room
GrandLarseny has entered the room
GrandLarseny: I am reborn!!!
EdToRights: /oh noes!
EdToRights: /casts fira
EdToRights: +5000 HP
EdToRights: noooooo
GrandLarseny: YES YES THAT'S IT!!
GrandLarseny: /casts Meteo
EdToRights: -9999HP
EdToRights: /KO
EdToRights has left the room
***ONLINE HOST*** has entered the room
***ONLINE HOST***: /intro music
***ONLINE HOST***: /menu
***ONLINE HOST***: /load saved game
***ONLINE HOST***: /slot one
***ONLINE HOST***: /loading...
***ONLINE HOST*** has left the room
GrandLarseny has left the room
CompulsiveLarsenist has entered the room
EdToRights has entered the room
EdToRights: hahaha
EdToRights: I'm tired
EdToRights: /casts osmose
EdToRights: /sucks -34 MP from John because John is undead
EdToRights: ACK
CompulsiveLarsenist: /casts death on self
CompulsiveLarsenist: +9999 hp
EdToRights: oh noes!
EdToRights: /casts curaga on John
CompulsiveLarsenist: -9999 hp
CompulsiveLarsenist: My magic defense is 1 :(
EdToRights: :(
EdToRights: :)
EdToRights: OOh undead are vulnerable to fire
EdToRights: /casts fira
CompulsiveLarsenist: -5000 hp
CompulsiveLarsenist: ::Quick flashes of light::
CompulsiveLarsenist: URRRGGHHHH
CompulsiveLarsenist has left the room
GrandLarseny has entered the room
GrandLarseny: I am reborn!!
EdToRights: /oh noes
EdToRights: /uses crystal
GrandLarseny: What!! You're...!
EdToRights: That's right, I'm half mooninite
EdToRights: I can use the crystal
GrandLarseny: Noooooo!!
GrandLarseny: (GrandLarseny's elemental shield is destroyed!)
EdToRights: The time is now!
GrandLarseny: IMMA CHARGIN MAH LAZER! (5 turns remaining)
EdToRights: /casts blizzaga
EdToRights: GuyMan: /casts flare
EdToRights: TokenWoman: /casts holy
EdToRights: DragoonDude: /jumps
GrandLarseny: ::totally explodes::
EdToRights: sweet
**ONLINE HOST***: /ending

Friday, August 31, 2007

Just Pry the Key Off

zegoggles1: OOPS CAPS
zegoggles1: OOPS
zegoggles1: oops
zegoggles1: there
zegoggles1: fIXED
zegoggles1: damnit
zegoggles1: fucking capslock

Friday, August 24, 2007

This is redonkulous!

I didn't get the memo: when did ginormous become a real word? Now I have to make use of other fake words. "Hugetastic", you just got promoted... "bigulous" has been called up from the minors.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

It's a Trap!

Everyone always says that having a house is so great, homeownership is so rewarding, blah blah blah. Well I have come to discover that this is a SCAM! No one loves owning a home, but the all pretend to love it so that suckers like me go and buy their house! After you buy the house they're all like "lol pwnt".

Monday, August 20, 2007

Amazon Knows Me

Why is this recommended for me? Because I'm a goddamned fanboy that's why.

Sunday, August 12, 2007


"You guys do scratch tickets, but you don't do real lotteries, like the Mega Balls."

Thursday, August 09, 2007

For the Good of the World

If you won't do it, then I will!

Oh Come On!

John pointed this out to me.

Monday, August 06, 2007

Introducing the Mandage

I've been working on my new house all weekend. Much of the time was spent fighting with the dishwasher, trying to avoid leaks. In the process, I cut myself on the tip of my right middle finger, right in the middle of my fingerprint. I didn't know where the bandaids were, and even if I did, I doubt a bandaid could hold up to the intense work I was doing. Solution?

I present to you the Man Bandage, or Mandage. I took a paper towel, wrapped it around my finger, tore some packing tape off a nearby box, wrapped the tape around my finger, and shabooya! I had an industrial-strength bandage.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

You Know How I Know You're Gay?

Ed: what does soon mean
Arthur: you guys need to keep your pants on
Arthur: within the next 10 min
Ed: my pants never left me
Ed: do you take your pants off to eat?
Arthur: depends on where im going
Ed: good point
Arthur: you're a good point
Ed: that's what she said
Arthur: why would she say that
Arthur: SHE must be retarded
Ed: she = your mom
Arthur: me = stabbing you
Arthur: with a rusty blunt object
Arthur: in the eye

Sunday, July 22, 2007


Waitress: How does the sauce taste?
Ed: It tastes like delicious!

Friday, July 20, 2007

Time Machine

Ed: or you could get back and party like it's 2003
Joe: jesus
Joe: that would be scary

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Aye, It's My Island

I recently returned from Ireland; I was there for a wedding. The first day, Shaun, the Irish groom, took me to the grocery store to get some food and supplies. Since we were living in university dorm rooms, this would be the food we would live off of for a few days. I wanted to get some real food but also some snacks, so I got a tube of Pringles and a mega-pack of Kit-Kats.

Well, I turned into a Kit-Kat peddler for the whole trip... anytime anyone had any problem, I'd be like "Have a Kit-Kat, that'll make it better." But no one wanted them, so I ended up eating the whole bag... not a good idea.

Monday, July 02, 2007

Mirror Mirror

Ed S.: I bought deli meats at shaws
Ed S.: and made myself sandwiches
Ed S.: delicious, though expensive... downtown shaws has no basic meats
Ed S.: had to buy Shaws Tender Cracked Basil Smoked Whiskey Turkey
Eric M.: aw
Ed S.: which tastes just like regular turkey, only more expensive
Ed S.: plus the server was stupid... I kept asking for 1 pound
Ed S.: and he was like "quarter pound?"
Ed S.: it was like a different shaws
Eric M.: hahahaha
Eric M.: Evil Shaw's
Eric M.: Shaw's + Goatee
Ed S.: at home I'll go up, they'll call "28" and I'll be like "right here, hi" and they're like "Hi what can I get for you"
Ed S.: here it was like "29" and the guy just said "quarter pound smoked honey turkey"
Ed S.: I was like "whoa where's the love?"
Ed S.: then a old lady whacked me with her cane

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Koreodollars are Expensive

Brian: thats why we pay you the big bucks
Ed: you don't pay me anything
Brian: hmmm
Brian: then you should try less hard
Ed: I don't try hard
Brian: maybe if you tried harder we would pay you
Brian: low though... only 2 mil/y
Ed: eh
Brian: sorry, wasnt much space under the cap
Ed: well you know
Brian: its tough, signing jay and the conversion to koreodollars hurt us

Sunday, June 24, 2007

You Shoulda Heard My First Idea

After a large fellow stepped out from behind a parked car, causing me to almost hit him, I said, "Hey fatty, get out of the way! Well, he's not that fat, but I'm going to call him Fatty McFatPants."

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Maybe next time you could do a little research?

Ed S.: It's amazing how adaptable humans are.
John L.: We've got to be.
John L.: Or we'd still be living in caves in Africa
Ed S.: well we kicked ass in evolution.
John L.: Yeah, we sure did!
Ed S.: fuck you, monkeys
Ed S.: see ya later neaderthals
John L.: Adaptability is so easy, a caveman can do it!

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

This Just In: Fire Burns

From the CPSC newsletter:

"Jakes Fireworks Inc. Recalls Fireworks Sold by World Class Distributors Due to Burn and Injury Hazards"

Do I need to add anything?

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Well, Is He?

I just got a wrong number by a 10 year old. Here was the entire conversation

Ed: Hello!
Kid: [background noise, voices]
Ed: Hello?
Kid: [pause] Hello?
Ed: Who's calling?
Kid: Is Ross there?
Ed: You have the wrong number.
Kid: [pause] Hello?
Ed: [angry] Hello?!
Ed's coworkers: [laughter]
Kid: Is Ross there?
Ed: You have the wrong number.
Kid: [background noises, voices]
Ed: [hangs up]

So I wrote a function to emulate his behavior:

public boolean IsRossThere() {
string greeting = "Hello?";
string query = "Is Ross There?";

If (Phone.Hear(anything) == True) {
If (Phone.Hear(yes) == false) {
return this.IsRossThere();
Else {
return true;

Tuesday, June 12, 2007


Ed S.: I did my best Roger Clemens impersonation and gave up 21 runs in five innings

Monday, June 11, 2007

I was camping the spawns

John L.: Yeah, I'm concerned about the lore of the old peoples
Ed S.: I want that lorez
Ed S.: [Edgesmash has defeated Old Man] [Edgesmash gains loot: Lore]

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

And Now For Something Completely Different...

I feel a special connection to the eatery known as Boloco. A few years ago, when “The Wrap” transformed into Boloco (short for “Boston Local Company”), they had a free burrito day. My friends and I stormed the place and ended up with three or four burritos each. One friend posted the story to his blog, and the CEO of Boloco, John Pepper, commented on it. We had a lively discussion for a time. It was very nice to be able to discuss a company with the CEO.

Recently John Pepper has reached out again. Veronica De Zayas wrote in The Dartmouth that Boloco is unhealthy and dark and deceitful. John Pepper returned fire with his own OpEd piece, explaining Boloco’s position and offering free burritos on June 4th and 5th to anyone who prints out the OpEd piece and brings it to a Boloco.

Bravo, Mr. Pepper.

However, not all is well. I went to claim my free burrito today (this time, only one) and got a “Classic” with grilled chicken. My first bite was delicious. However, in the second I got some of the chicken. It was overcooked, somewhat tough and stringy. Ok, fine, I can live with that. Boloco was mega-busy with all the free-burrito seekers. But when I got to the end of the burrito, I bit down on something hard. After fishing it out of my mouth (always a frustrating task), I tried to determine what it was. The only thing that made any sense was that it was a chicken bone!

So now, I’m back down from the roller-coaster high of Mr. Pepper coming through again to being utterly dissatisfied with my burrito. I’m willing to give Boloco a pass, this one time, because they always try hard to appease everyone, and their burritos are usually delicious (not to mention their smoothies…. mmmmmmmm). But please, Boloco on Newbury Street in Boston, please remove your chicken bones before serving the chicken. Thank you.

Monday, June 04, 2007

It's How I Rid Myself of My Enemies

Ed S.: I wish you'd told me you were meeting, I'da come up
Ed S.: unless it was a No-Ed meeting
Ed S.: which I would understand.
Ed S.: I have No-Ed meetings all the time
Ed S.: I call them in remote sectors of the world and then not attend

Sunday, June 03, 2007


John L.: I forgot how to be productive
Ed S.: well you're in a situation that promotes unproductivity

Thursday, May 31, 2007

It's A Two-Fer! (With Bonus Nonsensical Segue)

Ed S.: I heard it sucked. I also heard it's awesome. I also made both of those up.
John L.: well, Ed. One of those is what I heard, too.
Eric M.: :P
Ed S.: I bet it was the last one.
Ed S.: that I made them up
Ed S.: because I issued a press release to that effect
Eric M.: Hahaha
Ed S.: why did ebay buy stumbleupon?

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

It Must Have Been a Big One

On Julian Tavarez: "He looks like he spent too much time inside a vegetable crisper."

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Brent, RIP

In honor of Brent, here are two of my favorite Brent quotes:

Ed: well the idea still exists, but no one has invented my weather toaster yet
Brent: Now I want some toast.

Ed S.: I hate it when I'm ordering stuff from amazon and I'm literally 3 cents short of free shipping
Ed S.: WTF
Brent N.: TF is that you're three cents short of free shipping.
Ed S.: I know.
Ed S.: what on amazon costs $0.03?
Brent N.: Free shipping, in your case.

Monday, May 21, 2007

A Rare Glimpse Into The Bedroom

A preface: You know how writers attempt to put sounds down with letters? Like typing "Ow!" or "Arf!"? And how sometimes those letters should be interperted directly, like "Ow", and sometimes they require some imagination, like "Arf"? Well, all of the sounds in this post should be interperted as the former: exactly as they're written.

On to the story!

This weekend, I was laying in bed, under the covers, on Saturday night watching TV (yes, I have an amazing social life) when Annie walked in. She looked at me and said jokingly, "What happened to the romantic man who proposed to me?"

So, without emotion, I flipped off the covers, posed in my ratty Jets T-shirt and baggy boxer shorts, and said "Rrrowrr". I must have looked about as sexy as the hobo who lives in Back Bay subway station.

Friday, May 18, 2007

The Time Has Arrived

laptastic: oh man i just pwnt a group
edgesmash: argh
laptastic: 2 x sprees
edgesmash: I hope you enjoy halo 3 while I write sql stored procedures
laptastic: 3 x double kills
edgesmash: Select * from Halo_3_Users where not_playing = true
edgesmash: 1 row(s) returned
laptastic: edgesmash

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Crippled Beyond Repair

Eric M.: wow, one click shopping is pretty awesome
Eric M.: now that I've set it up
Eric M.: it' click!
Eric M.: don't click it by accident!
Eric M.: It makes more willing to buy things, because the hassle is so low
Eric M.: it's a blessing and a curse
Ed S.: right
Ed S.: well it's a blessing to Amazon
Ed S.: I will never enable it because it would feed my impulse buying
Ed S.: which I've curbed so well that I almost never buy anything
Ed S.: it takes me weeks of deliberation to decide which bread to buy at the supermarket

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Dead Reckoning

During one of my first trips home with me driving, I was still figuring out exactly where to go, what roads to take, and how far things are apart. I would travel on Route 84 in Connecticut, a long highway that travels the long way across the state.

My parents called and wanted to know where I was. Seeing as how I didn't have a map or know the area, I said, "Well, if you were to draw a line down the middle of Connecticut, I'm on the left side of that line."

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

GA: Gumaholics Anonymous

Ed S.: I used to down a whole bag of big league chew in like 15 minutes
Ed S.: then I gave up gum for like 10 years
Ed S.: now I'm back
Ed S.: but I'm on Stride now.
Ed S.: it's like low-tar cigarettes
Eric M.: Wow dude.
Eric M.: That's a past.
Ed S.: Yeah, it's tough
Ed S.: My roommate like 2 years ago told me I "HAD" to try this gum of his
Ed S.: It was like Trident Ice or something
Ed S.: and I did... after not having a piece of gum for 10 years
Ed S.: and it sucked.
Ed S.: goddamned peer pressure

Friday, May 11, 2007

What Not To Do In Life: Rule 1

Yesterday Annie and I were driving home from playing a little softball with some of our teammates. She wanted some beer (Blue Moon, specifically), so we kept our eyes peeled for a liquor store. On Mystic Ave, she spots the Atlas Liquors. I'm driving around 40MPH, and Atlas is coming up really fast, so (after checking my mirrors) I hit the breaks hard. I then see that the curb ends much farther up that I thought it did, but it is somewhat rounded. So I cut in, bounce over the curb, brakes squealling, and pull right into a parking spot perfectly.

Annie looks over at me with this embarrassed look. I say "What?", then I notice three people inside the store staring out at us... and one of them's a cop! Annie refuses to go in, she's so embarrassed by my entrance. I take another glance, and the people are still staring. So I do what any redblooded American would do; I threw the car in reverse, and very carefully left the scene.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

So Look in a Mirror and I says to myself, "Self..."

After reading this post over on Lifehacker, I decided to Google myself. I hadn't done that in a while, so I figured it was a worthwhile exercise. Here's the link, and here's the results:

  1. I'm Funny (Roughly) Once a Day
  2. (college newspaper)
  3. My LinkedIn page
  4. Comment on Giant Robots (Eric's company's blog)
  5. Another comment on Giant Robots
  6. My Amazon Wish list
  7. Comment on John's blog: "Venture Brothers Season Two changed my life. Fuffletonia also changed my life."
  8. Website for my college senior project
  9. Email I sent while working at Tufts in the ResNet department
  10. Email I sent to the author of an industry newsletter I subscribe to.
At first, I was totally stoked: I dominate the first page of results. Then I thought: "Oh nuts, IFOD is number one, and my comments on Fuffletonia are up there too?" How is this going to look to a recruiter or potential boss (or even current boss)? Then I laughed, long and hard, because this list really summarizes my life. We've got stuff from college, both academic and work, we've got my personal life (IFOD, wish list), my professional life (LinkedIn), my love of testing (GR), and my inanity (not sure if this is a word... just pretend it is).

Good thing I don't have any porn on my wish list.

Sunday, May 06, 2007


Annie: Smell my breath!
Ed: Um... smells like alcohol.
Annie: Smells like peppermint!

Saturday, May 05, 2007

This Is Not The Blog Post You Are Looking For

I was in the car with Annie the other day. I started to tell some story or something, but was distracted by something or other.

Annie: Anyway, what were you saying?
Ed: Um, ah.... I don't remember. Pretend I said something funny.
Annie: [laughing hysterically] You're so funny!
Ed: Yeah, I crack myself up.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

He Was Such A Good Boy

Ed S.: 05/01/2007 15:46:43 - Too many errors detected, bailing out
Ed S.: 05/01/2007 15:47:24 - Going to bar to get trashed
Ed S.: 05/01/2007 21:32:11 - Sleeping with cheap hooker
Ed S.: 05/02/2007 04:13:09 - Realizing I left the stove on
Ed S.: 05/02/2007 5:31:52 - Seeing house burned to ground
Ed S.: 05/02/2007 5:32:06 - Collapsing in tears
Ed S.: [the life of a bad build]

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

A Mystery Fit For Sherlock Holmes

Joseph: Hey Ed, can I borrow your scissors?
Ed: Sure. [hands over scissors]
Joseph: Thanks. [cuts things]
Joseph: Here you go. [starts to hand scissors back]
Ed: Actually, I think those are yours... See, a while back, a pair of scissors mysteriously appeared in my apartment. The day after that, a pair of scissors mysteriously disappeared from my desk. There might be a correlation between those events and a potential third event, wherein a pair of scissors mysteriously disappeared from your desk and appeared on my desk.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Funny All By Itself

Private Sub DoSearch()
Me.LoadDataAsync() 'pray
End Sub

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

From the World Of Computers! Oooooooo!

When I revisited some of my code, I found this gem:

If AddToTask() = False Then
MsgBox("couldn't add, wtf?")
'TODO: Ed S: find out why not all checked items are being added!
'TODO: Ed S: error handling
End If

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Acceptotron 2000MX: Now With Included Vanity Mirror

Ed: I also am very accepting
Eric: Not on most things
Ed: what?
Ed: I'm not accepting?
Eric: You're awfully demanding of consumer services, for example
Ed: well yeah
Eric: and music...
Ed: aaaaaaaaaahahahhaa
Eric: and video games
Eric: and in bed...
Ed: well yeah
Ed: wait
Ed: I like a lot of video games!

Friday, April 13, 2007

In the Swing of Things

overanticipate, v.: to anticipate something more than it deserves. e.g. "I 
overanticipated ice cream day. They only had frozen yogurt."

Monday, April 09, 2007

Victory Cabbage

Ed: ha I should
Ed: f-in' french
Ed: they didn't want to go to war in iraw
Ed: iraq
Ed: look how good that turned out
Ed: ...wait.
Ed: um
Ed: yeah
Ed: heheh freedom fries

Friday, April 06, 2007

Classic: Utter Trash

Here's a classic funny moment from my college days . . .

I was in a fraternity in college, and it was a blast. One particular night, I was standing on the front porch on "front door" duty (basically making sure guests had student IDs and not letting in townies) with my "little brother" Stephen when we saw two girls run out from behind the house towards the street. We quickly noticed they carried a large metal trash can (you know, one of those fancy annodized aluminum ones). By the time the girls hit the street (I'd already had a few drinks), we realized that it was our trash can.

Now, if you've ever met me, you know I'm not built for speed. Stephen wasn't either.

As we couldn't leave the door unattended, Stephen stayed and I bolted after the girls. They had taken their heels off so they were moving quite briskly. However, they were carrying a huge trash can and I caught up with them right outside the President's (of the university) House. As I grabbed the can, they let go and continued fleeing.

Completely incredulous of the whole event, I started screaming at them: "What the hell is wrong with you? Who steals a fucking trash can! Get the fuck out of here! You're fucking retarded!"

Right as I uttered "retarded", the lights on the 2nd floor of the President's House lit up and I saw movement. Needless to say, I booked it out of there with the trash can as quickly as I could.

We never heard from anyone about that, but the campus cops showed up about five minutes later.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Tales from the Early Days of the Campfire

Eric M.: That's my old coworker Justin, Adam
Ed S.: he died
pwx: o_O
Eric M.: He sat right behind me
Eric M.: in our corner office in downtown Boston
Ed S.: before he fell off a chair and hit his head on a surge protector
pwx: ah
Ed S.: then he laid on the floor for a while
Eric M.: o_O
Ed S.: before the coroner came
Ed S.: its entirely possible that's not what happened

Wednesday, April 04, 2007


Brent: What are you doing for lunch?
Ed: same as yesterday

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

The Truth? I can't handle the Truth!

I love movies. I went to see Matrix: Reloaded the first four days it was out at the theaters, then T3 for four days as well (Ryan, was it three or four? I'm not sure). I also love watching movies at home, either when broadcast or on DVD. My parents had HBO while I was growing up, so I always had plenty of movies to watch.

Fast forward to this past weekend. I was channel surfing, looking for something to watch while organizing my stuff. I couldn't find a good TV show, but "Office Space" was on (TBS or TNT or one of those networks did a big blitz of that movie lately). I have the Office Space DVD, and so I thought "Hey, why don't I throw the DVD in so I don't have any commercials or editing?" But I couldn't bring myself to. Somehow watching a movie that's on TV is better than watching a DVD. What is wrong with me?

I realized this has been true my whole life. I have a standing rule: if Top Gun is on TV, I must watch it. Yet I don't even own the DVD! I've seen Independence Day twice in the theaters and like 50 times on TNT. I haven't even unwrapped my DVD of Happy Gilmore, yet I've seen it on USA every other week it seems.

I'm a glutton for advertisements and built-in breaks, I guess. Actually, I think I prefer it because if a movie is on TV, watching it is more "Oh look, The Fugitive, haven't seen that in a while. I guess I'll leave it on in the background," whereas throwing in a DVD is more "OK I'm watching The Wedding Singer, so I have to sit here and watch it." I'm a slave to my own perceptions.

A few new words to tide you over

awesometastic, adj: sort of a combination of "awesome" and "fantastic", it describes something that is really better than awesome AND fantastic, yet not quite fabulous yet.

shenaniger, n: one who initiates shenanigans, especially grandeuricious ones.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Cheddar or Swiss?

Graham, a friend of mine, had an XBox game called "Dead to Rights"; you may have heard of it. It used a checkpoint save system (for you non-gamers, that means the game will automatically save the game as you pass certain parts, or checkpoints, in it).

Well, as happens often, he reached a particularly hard bit of the game. He would walk down an alley, the bad guys would shout at him, and then he'd die. He played this part, oh, I don't know, a bajillion times (bajillion, n.: a large number that is 5.4 more than the largest number you just thought of).

But the strangest bit was what the bad guys would yell. The protagonist was named "Slade", and so the bad guys would yell, "<undecipherable>! It's Slade!" The undeciperable bit was just that: undecipherable. However, after hearing it roughly an infinite number of times, it started to sound like "Cheese it!", making the whole phrase, "Cheese it! It's Slade!"

I'm getting to the point of this story.

You know how social groups add certain words or phrases to their lexicon (I've been informed by Brent that these are called "locutions")? Well, we added "Cheese it! It's Slade" to ours. Now, years later and those friends living in the far off worlds of Long Island and California, I alone in Massachusetts remember this.

So every now and then I have this urge to shout "Cheese it! It's Slade!" This inevitably becomes a problem when I do shout it; some of my best weird looks have come from that.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Imagination Exaggeration

I often play my Nintendo DS on the way home from work. I'll start playing on the subway platform and continue if I can get a seat. I often don't know if I'll get a seat until I get on the train. If I don't get a seat, I'll have a powered-on DS in my hands. Normally I'll just save and quit, but yesterday I wasn't having any of that. I've been playing Final Fantasy VI, which has a "Music Player" feature where you can play any of the game music.

So I started with the main boss fight music. My "boss fight" was "trying to remain standing on the subway". When I slipped, it like like "Crap, Sabin is down! Cast Arise!" Then, when we went under the tunnel, I kicked it up a notch with the end boss music. "Shoot!" A sudden stop! My foot slips and I'm hanging on by one hand ("Quick, use a Phoenix Down on my feet!").

I exited the subway at my stop to face many weird looks.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Skillful Maneuvering

This morning Annie made me breakfast, so she was already up a few points. I asked her what the temperature was like outside, and she said she didn't know. She looked out the window...

Annie: I see a girl out there wearing a light jacket, so it can't be that bad.
Ed: Ok, no jacket for me then.
Annie: Well, she might just be wearing it to look cute.
Ed: Oh... is it working?
Annie: Yeah.

Then, as conspicuously as I could, I leaned over and looked out the window. Annie didn't notice! I was trying to be funny but she missed it! Then, like five minutes later, she's two rooms over, and I hear "HEY!"

Friday, March 23, 2007

On the Subject of Colors

Ben and I discussed shirts yesterday. Specifically, pink shirts. I said how I own two and wear them relatively frequently. I told him that ladies like it when men wear pink shirts because "it shows that he's comfortable with his masculinity."

Fast forward to this morning, when I put on a pink shirt for work. I mentioned that I had a conversation about pink shirts to Annie, and said something like "I told Ben that the ladies like pink shirts on men." She then says "Well, it shows that's he's comfortable with his masculinity." Word for word, what I had told Ben.

I was pretty stoked. I had my finger perfectly on the pulse of women (well, at least the one woman who matters to me). Then, on the subway, I had a stark realization: I'd been brainwashed! The game is afoot! Once more, we play our dangerous game, a game of chess, against our old adversery, women. Cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war! Engage!

Edit: Man, this post blows. Sorry guys. I'll see what I can do later.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

I stole the idea from Biggoron

Eric M.: what should I do for lunch today?
Eric M.: I have some deli meats in the fridge, though no bread.
Marcus F.: get bread
Eric M.: I could go buy some bread...
Marcus F.: make sandiwch
Marcus F.: you love bread
Marcus F.: go buy 2 loaves of bread
Marcus F.: put the deli meats between them
Eric M.: Hahaha!
Marcus F.: and have yourself a giant's sandwich

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

United Airlines: We Failed Geometry

I have to say I love connecting flights. For example, in my flight to Cincinnati (Sinsinnati?) this past weekend, I had a layover. I didn't expect it to be so far out of the way (red = actual flight, blue = straight line to destination):

I know most of the reasons for crazy detours like this, but as far as I can tell, I flew on a plane for almost twice the time I needed to. Also interesting is that United had a direct flight to Dayton Ohio, but did not offer a puddle-jumper flight to Cincinnati.

Due to All the Volcanoes

Ed: Not so much in Europe.
Eric: Well, I don't know about that anymore.
Ed: Yeah, Europe is getting pretty big.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

I'm a dummy... but you knew that

Looking at Google Analytics for this site, I was so confused the past week... it showed no visitors! Now, I'm pretty sure I'm the only visitor to this site, but I know I visited it! I couldn't figure it out!

Then I realized changing the blog template wiped out the HTML changes I made. Oops. Google analytics is back.

Evolution of a Movie Trailer

John L.: Assault with intent to kill
Marcus F.: Assault with intent to Mill
Marcus F.: Kill Mill?
Marcus F.: a new movie by James Cameron
Marcus F.: about an enthusiastic rails developer
Marcus F.: who finds a deep secret
Marcus F.: "Oh my god... so that means.... Rails is written in Cobol!"
Marcus F.: in his journey, he learns more about himself than he thought possible
Marcus F.: "Hmmm... I don't like chocolate crepes as much as I expected."
John L.: You didn't really think Capistrano was going to be easy, did you?
Marcus F.: He faces the greatest evil of this generation
Marcus F.: "Damnit, my FTP server is down."
John L.: Just type in everything by hand! If you want to transfer files like a dog, I'll make you live like a dog!

Monday, March 19, 2007

Growth Opportunities

I was at a wedding in Cincinnati (a beautiful city) this weekend, so I have plenty of funny moments from there. However, I can't remember most of them :(. Here's one I do remember.

Sitting at a table with three of the bride's friends from college, Annie and I listened to them debate what was in the soup. That conversation itself was hilarious ("I think it has a touch of orange zest." "No, I smell lime."), but the following was my contribution:

Sean: You know, this soup is starting to grow on me.
Ed: Generally speaking, soup is not something you want to grow on you.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Not returned, per se, but...

Ed: why do we return false?
Eric: You could return true, the return code actually doesn't matter
Eric: you just want to return there
Ed: I'm gonna return true
Eric: technically, in this method, you don't need to, because there won't be any code following
Eric: but if there was any, you'd have to
Ed: I just returned true

Return to the Ed Dictionary

I realized I have a whole new class of words to add to the Ed Dictionary: words that end in "-zilla". Sure, I may have borrowed this convention, but I have put it to good use:

Mark: Hey Ed.
Ed: Markzilla! What's up?

Ed: Hey Matt, can you help me with my codezilla?

So the formal definition:

-zilla: suffix; it modifies the word to mean more of or more intense.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Blog Template Update

So I finally succumbed and adopted the new Blogger layout system. I think it's a fair bit cleaner. I also changed the comment system to allow anonymous comments. I hope this will encourage more people to comment (though since I might still be the only reader of this blog, I think I'll just save myself time when commenting from another computer).

Hey, me, enjoy!

Perhaps a bit too specific

Working on Rails with Eric's help, I wondered how params[:user] worked...

Ed: yeah... well I figured it used some automagic to know what parameters it gets, but now I see the automagic as just autosmoke and automirrors

Monday, March 12, 2007

Unified Theory of Cheese

So Brent walks by my cube heading to the minifridge which lives directly in front of my cube. He was carrying a bag of shredded sharp cheddar cheese. I was drinking a soda (Diet Coke to be precise). He says "Mmmm, cheese is good." I say "Yes, cheese is good." Then I look at my soda, at the cheese, and say something about how it'd be nice if we could combine cheese and soda. Brent says that sound horrible, but we start debating which type of cheese to use.

Ed: Well, it doesn't matter what kind of cheese you use as long as it tastes good. It could even be cheese extract.
Brent: That's not cheese.
Ed: Yes it is. If you take something that's a part of something else, that part you took is a part of cheese.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

This is about you!

A rare weekend glimpse of the funny man! Well, I recently installed Google Analytics on this site, basically because I was bored. A week later, I noticed some interesting bits on the Geo Map Overlay... check it out:
Some of you guys are literally on the other side of the world! I never knew anybody but myself actually read this stuff. I guess I better keep cracking out the funny!

Friday, March 09, 2007

Protestors are Traders!

Brent N.: Yeah. I gotta get out.
Brent N.: Wish me luck.
Marcus F.: yeah go now
Marcus F.: come my way
Marcus F.: fewer people
Brent N. has left the room
Marcus F.: lol our boss is right here

Wednesday, March 07, 2007


It's somewhat difficult to use your phone when you can't read any of it...

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Management 101

John: this is something the client just happened upon a bug in code that's existed since 2004
Ed: damn, that's annoying... a 2-year old bug that's all of a sudden URGENT
John: I know. Ridiculous

Monday, March 05, 2007

For the Children

John L.: making the world a better place
John L.: for you and for me and the entire human race
Marcus F.: yep
Marcus F.: world += 1

Thursday, March 01, 2007

5) XP was taken

Marcus F.: I'm trying a new naming convention on this screen
Marcus F.: I read it online somewhere
Marcus F.: prefacing all controls with "ux"
Marcus F.: for user experience
Marcus F.: two reasons
Marcus F.: one: you know what they are
Marcus F.: but more importantly, 2) they appear together in intellisense
John L.: 3.) Uxbridge, MA
Marcus F.: sure
John L.: 4.)
Marcus F.: stop

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

If you're a developer...

... then you might find this funny.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Gitmo, Massachusetts

John: I just got asked my a couple people if "I heard it was okay to leave"
Ed: that's like the 15-minute rule in high school
Ed: it's bullshit
Ed: No it's not fucking ok to leave
Ed: you work 9-5

Friday, February 23, 2007

I got the skillz, yo

So at work the other day, I return from lunch to sit down at my desk, and I promptly knock my 1-liter water bottle right onto my laptop, spilling at least .25 liters of water directly onto the keyboard. Luckily, the hard drive was ok, so Ben quickly swapped my hard drive into a working laptop and I was good to go.

I return to my cube and start telling Joseph about my fixed laptop when I notice something in my sleeve. I unbutton my sleeve and find a frigging sock in my sleeve! What the hell?!

Thursday, February 22, 2007

A Fish Story

This is a story of a fish named Steve.

Annie and I went out to Kowloon Restaurant this past weekend. If you've never been, it's kind of a all-Asian restaurant. It has Szechuan, Polynesian, Hong Kong, Thai, Sushi, Cantonese, and even some American dishes. As such, the menu is huge (it's numbered, and the highest number I noticed was in the 500s). After quick some deliberation, I decided upon a Thai dish called Plu Ray Fish, or something like that. The dish contained fish with a hot pepper sauce, something that sounded delicious and different. Annie ordered some sort of chicken and vegetable dish, and we ordered an appetizer plate. The appetizers were great. Then, without fanfare, enter Steve, stage left.

I apologize for the poor photo quality; my cell phone camera sucks.

Apparently, I had neglected to read the entire description of the entree, specifically the part that read "whole fish". And so it came to Steve, on my plate, staring back at me in my seat.

Suffice it to say, I'm not a big fan of fish bones in my fish, and I lacked the eating skills to adequately separate meat from bone.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Trials and Tribulations

Annie: "What's wrong?"
Ed: "Grrr... this is hard."
Annie: "Oh, it's so tough being you."
Ed: "I need a shotgun."

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Watch out parents

Ed: I am often the reason you see "ESRB Notice: Game experience may change in online play."

Friday, February 16, 2007

The Greatest Story Ever Told

This is not a classic funny story. This is The Classic Funny Story.

About four years ago, I was out at a diner once with my family in NJ (gotta love NJ diners) when we were handed the dessert menus. Looking through the menu, I saw an item I had never seen before: tiramisu. So I vocalized this: "Hmm, tiramisu." My mom, dad, and sister all instantly say "You wouldn't like that."

Now, you have to know a little bit about me. I usually don't like it when people tell me what I will and won't like based on parameters I don't know. For example, if someone tells me I won't like a particular entree because it has mushrooms, then that's cool. But if someone says "Oh, that, you won't like that" then I might get a little peeved.

So when my family told me that I wouldn't like tiramisu, I was a little peeved. I decided to show them: "How would you know? As a matter of fact, I love tiramisu. It's one of my favorite desserts." My sister, Kristina, didn't buy it: "Do you know what's in tiramisu?" I didn't, but I did know how to avoid the question: Hit her with another question. "Do you know what's in vanilla ice cream?" It worked, and I ordered my tiramisu.

As I stated, I had no idea what was in tiramisu. To understand my dilemma, you need to know one key fact:

I hate coffee and all things coffee.

When I took that first bite of espresso-soaked lady fingers with my family's eyes on me, it took every ounce of my strength to continue chewing unabated, smile, and say "Mmmmmm!" This time, my mother couldn't resist: "So, you like it, huh?" Hook, line, and sinker! "Of course I do, I love it!" They finally believed me when I finished the entire thing in three minutes (I had to eat it that fast or my taste buds would've revolted and marched on my brain).

So we go home, and all is well. However, I'm still a little annoyed at this whole tiramisu nonsense. That's when I decide to kick it up a notch. Everytime I ate out with my family I order tiramisu... for the next 1.5 years.

The strange thing is over those 18 months, I actually got to like the taste of tiramisu.

Thursday, February 15, 2007


Marcus F.: every line is parallel
Marcus F.: from a certain point of you 

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

And Injustice Deliciously Squared

Most people have staples, pens, and other office supplies in their desk 
drawer. I got that... plus some.

Monday, February 12, 2007


Ed: /erg
Eric: I like that "erg" is an action
Ed: yeah
Ed: it is
Ed: to erg is to make the sound "erg"
Ed: to boldy erg where no one has erged before

Sunday, February 11, 2007

I'll take Potpourri for $400, Alex

(note: this post has been sitting around as a draft pretty much since the beginning of this blog. I finally resurrected it, added to it, and submitted it for your approval. Bon appetit!)

In lieu of one relatively funny moment, I will provide you with several chuckle moments in Instant Messaging glory:

Lisa: I wish I could have a slice!
Me: I'll email you one.

Lisa: I just ate most of the Lucky Charms.
Ed: finish them all, then pretend they never existed

Brian: Totally going to hell
Brian: oh, yes
Ed: dude, you're jewish
Ed: no hell
Brian: laughed at a midget
Ed: that's required

Brent: So the girl really is sick.
Ed: ahhh
Ed: well that's good, right?
Brent: It's less bad.
Ed: yeah

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Return to the Ed dictionary

Two new words today. I can't take credit for the creation of either, but as I put solid definitions to them, I will claim credit anyway.

withinside, adj: of, relating to, or being completely and entirely contained in another object.

excelerated, adj: of, relating to, or being accelerated in the most excelled way.

The standard Ed-dictionary rules apply here; for example, the following sentence is legal usage and grammar:

"The conditions withinside the exceleratorama were grandeuricious."

Friday, February 09, 2007

Who's your mom?

Conversation about suggestions for new security questions. (BTW, I'm Smallpants McFry)

AA: Favorite pizza toppings hahaha
Slipnuts: First man killed
Smallpants M.: favorite actor from cheers
Eric M.: Coincidentally, the same guy
Smallpants M.: Most nuts slipped
Slipnuts: Oh no I fell down!
Slipnuts: I slipped on some nuts!

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Emotions are running high

Eric: @_@
Ed: what does that emote mean?
Eric: Wide eyed, but also like...stunned, or weirded out?
Eric: Kind of abashed
Eric: it's an odd emote
Eric: You have to just feel it
Ed: hheh
Ed: sometimes I hate the intertubes
Ed: actually I was on the phone with my dad earlier
Ed: he has optimum online VoIP
Ed: and I have t-mo
Ed: and we were disconnected three times
Ed: once because of my phone and twice because of his
Ed: and I said "you know, before voip and cell phones, calls were never dropped"
Eric: @_@
Ed: and he was like "@_@"

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Ed's Law #2

Idiot law: Everyone is an idiot until you get to know them, and then sometimes they're still an idiot.

I actually tried to prove this logically once, but instead proved that grass is blue, so my logic might've been flawed.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

3rd Degree Excitement

All this week I've been going back and forth with the customer support rep of a 3rd-party software tool we use at work, trying to get it to work right. Basically, every other time I (or my coworkers) would try to run the project we're building, it would crash. Very frustrating. We finally get it working. The rep's response to my half-facetious reply almost killed me [emphasis added]:

Original message sent on 01/18/2007 at 14:56:38 by

Thanks Allen! I'm very excited to be able to compile without random


Original message sent on 01/18/2007 at 15:17:00 by Allen Smith:

Hi Ed,

Thank you for sharing your excitement with me.

Even I am also excited to be able to bring the smile on your face. Should I consider the issue resolved or you need any further assistance from my side?

Allen Smith

Monday, January 08, 2007

Tag Team for relationship bashing

Here are two funny moments, both involving my fiance (Annie) and I, taking turns being the funny one.

My coworker, Ben, mentioned that one of his roommates is a pirate by profession. Yes, a pirate. Well, I guess a pirate actor. He is hired by people to put on pirate acts, swordfights, and general swashbuckling. I explain this to Annie, and she says entirely without sarcasm or humor: "Is he single?"

I had to return the favor. Driving back from my friend's place on Sunday night, I apparently forgot to do something or other. I admitted it to Annie, then said: "Obviously, I'm an idiot, but I love you."