Actual Joke

So I made an actual joke the other day. Wow.

My friend was talking about not wanting to go rollerblading because he has no balance and if he broke his wrists he couldn't work. His girlfriend jokingly mentioned that he couldn't, well, you know, help himself out.

Me: "Well, I'm sure he could figure out how to... To work, I mean!"

Self-deprecation

I think my funny moment for Thursday was probably the office christmas party, where I drank too much.

Yeah... I may post a picture later.

Superman 8: The Homefront

Today at lunch a coworker was talking about a documentary he saw on the History Channel called "The Corporation". It was about how corporations are becoming ridiculously powerful, and he said he doesn't trust any corporations anymore. I thought it was time to lighten the mood.

"I myself can't wait until the confrontation between the corporations and Superman."

One coworker could barely control his laughter, but the rest were silent. About a minute later...

"Well, I totally killed that conversation."

Silence...

"Hey, is that a turkey sandwich?"

"No, it's chicken."

"Ah.... you don't see sliced chicken that often."

"No, you don't."

Silence...

Look what I did!

My funny moment for today is being hosted somewhere else.

Check it out here.

Hey, hey you!

Walking to lunch today, a coworker and I wanted to ask another coworker something. The other coworker was walking ahead of us in another line (you know how walking on sidewalks in large groups can be). We both call his name a few times. He looks back to acknowledge he heard us, but has this divided attention look and then turns back to the conversation he was having before we bugged him. I turned to my coworker and said: "Well, it looks like he's on the talk."

Watch out for incoming paradoxes

In a meeting, one of my coworkers was asked by his boss to send out an email "yesterday", to emphasize its urgency. The coworker commented that he'd asked another coworker to build him a time machine.

Me: "Well, as long as he eventually builds one, we're all good."

Bounded by none

Someone stated a figure that our product had 6.5% product share in the marketplace. My response?

"Out of....?"

Hilarity

Possibly the funniest thing I've ever said:

"When I heard that, I almost fell out of my pants."

Culinary catastrophe

With some coworkers, we were discussing something about holidays and celebration when someone suggested that we could throw pies at this one coworker's (who was present) face.

Me: "But I wanted to eat the pie."

(I can hear you groaning.)

A new fad

You know how sometimes you're standing or walking somewhere, and someone approaches you, and you dodge left just as they dodge left, then you dodge right just as they dodge right, and someone says "Shall we dance?" That's so cliche (insert accent symbol).

Today the same happened in the kitchen at my office. Instead of uttering those boring words, I started hopping from one foot to the other with my hands in the air, singing the carnival song... you know, doo doo doodoodoodoo doo doo doo doo, doo doo doodoodoodoo doo doo doo doo, doo d-d-doo doo doo d-d-doo doo, and so on.

Rockapella; or, Experiments in linking

In college I was a member of the Pep Band. We played at football games. We were always a small group of students but we could usually get the crowd marginally more psyched than they would've been otherwise. It was fun.

My final two years I was a drum major. You may have certain mental images or expectations of what a drum major is.

Forget them.

We were, at most, 25 people. Our uniforms were blue jeans and a T-Shirt. The band didn't really need a drum major (indeed, they dispensed with them the year after I left. I prefer to think that they couldn't fill my shoes) but we had one (two, actually) mostly to queue up songs to play, start and stop the band, etc. Conducting was more of an afterthought.

(I'm rambling, so I'll get to the point. Hang on.)

We had "I Want You Back" by the Jackson Five in our playbooks. One time after playing it (I was conducting) I got pumped up and decided to try a spin like Michael Jackson. With the whole band and half the stands watching, I complete about 355 degrees of the spin, then get my foot caught on the bleachers and I fell flat on my face, parallel to the bleachers. It was awesome.

You think Ukraine is game?

At work recently, two of my coworkers, who happen to both be Ukranian, walk in from outside dressed in full winter gear. Another coworker stated, "You're from Ukraine! Isn't it much colder there than here?"

(I may be paraphrasing a bit here.)

Reply: "Well we wear coats there too!"

Coworker: "I've seen people in Canada wear shorts and T-shirts in colder weather."

Me: "Are you saying that Canadians are stronger than Ukranians?"

Pirates of the Irish Sea

Someone once accused me of being Irish. I'm not. But that's not funny. What is funny is that whenever someone accuses me of being any nationality, race, creed, color, gender, sexual orientation, blood type, or party, I invariably respond thus:

"Yarrrr!"

You know, like a pirate.

New word

Calorieific: adj. full of calories

Tapestry of words

So one of my coworkers, a woman with grown kids, comes by my cube and says hi. I say hi and note that the collar of her jacket is flipped up in the back.

As she's fixing it: "I must look like a dweeb. Is that what they're still called?"

Me: "... Dweeb is a word that would accurately describe your previous state."