JOSE LOPEZ

Ed: who is your 2b
Joe: Jose Lopez.
Ed: the problem with drafting Jose Lopez is that you end up with Jose Lopez on your team
Ed: and you can never trade Jose Lopez because he's not sexy.
Ed: and you can't really drop Jose Lopez because he hit that home run not too long ago and he might hit one again.

New Infants Are Funny

[Mia gives me a funny look]
Me: Don't look at me like that! I love you!

Total Horsehockey

Brent: what % juice are they?

Ed: one was 50, one was 10

Ed: cranberry and then some sort of apple/mango/pineapple hybrid shit

Brent: that's bullshit

Ed: agreed

I Can Haz Physics

Mom: Put down that balloon and help!

Dad: I can't put it down, it only goes up!

No Cake-Walk

On child-birthing class:

Annie: And maybe you can meet some other new dads and make friends.

Me: I'm going to treat this like prison: I've gotta either kick someone's ass or become someone's bitch on the first day.

Half-Empty

If you've played any Mario game in the past 6 years, you're well familiar with the phrase "It's-a me, Mario!" If you've played Mario Kart, you may be familiar with Mario's brother's call: "I'm-a Luigi, I'm-a gonna win!" Given how many times I've lost while playing as Luigi, I've co-opted that phrase as such: "I'm-a Luigi, I'm-a gonna lose!" Well, Annie has her own take on it:

Annie: "I'm-a Luigi, I'm-a gonna die!"

A New Brew

So, with the pregnancy and all, obviously Annie can't drink. But I can. I try to be sensitive and not drink beers she likes, but the other day, I found a Sam Summer in the back of the fridge. Not thinking, I grabbed it and started drinking. Annie saw me, and was not pleased.

Annie: Honey, that's not fair! You can't drink Sam Summer in front of me!

Me: I'm sorry, but honey, wait...

I retreated to the kitchen, and moments later, returned:

Me: It's not a Sam Summer, it's a Samuel Badams Stupid Ale!

A Matter of Perspective

Annie: What do you want to do tonight?
Ed: We could just sit and stare into each other's eyes lovingly.
Annie: Awwww!!!
Ed: But that gets boring fast.

Texts From a Christmas Party

Me: What are the names of the counselors from our youth group? They're here and I don't want to embarrass myself.
Bill: Doug and Kelly. Give them my regards. Sorry I never called back.
Me: Thanks. That's ok, I know you're a jerk. Your mom says hi.
Bill: We are at Grill 23 eating steak.
Me: You son of a bitch. I just had a kobe beef slider, but you're going to have a whole kobe beef steak.
Bill: Yeah not going to lie this place is amazing.
Me: Doug and Kelly say hi. Sue and Wendy say hi. Sue says you're a deadbeat

Facts of Life

"I don't know anything. Well, I know two things. I know I love you, and I know Cheetos are delicious. That's it." --Me, to Annie