Taken out of context

"Human females can't dance."

X-mas Tree shops

Still in NJ.

I was out with a few friends from home and my girlfriend last night. We drove by the new Christmas Tree Shop in town. One of my friends didn't know what a Christmas Tree Shop was. We proceed to explain it to him, stating how they carry almost everything.

One of my friends: "Well, not everything. They don't have eggs, I think."

Me: "Nope, they don't have eggs, but they do have egg nogg."

Out of context

"Come on guys. Give me enough credit for being able to distinguish between genders."

Turkey Day

In NJ again for Thanksgiving. Girlfriend and her parents are in town as well, and we're all sitting around the TV watching the Denver @ Dallas football game. It's near the end of the game, tie score, and the Broncos have the ball on their own 25, 3rd and short, 1:30 left on the clock. Clock is running. Denver runs the clock down to 0:50 before calling a timeout. My dad and I start arguing about Denver's choice (I'll post the argument in a comment). We actually start yelling at each other about the call. He finally agrees that I'm right. I berate him for being dumb.

Anyway, the argument settles down, and he goes to get something from the kitchen. Not satisfied with the level of my censureitude, I stood up and proclaimed, "I'm going to go hit my dad." I promptly left the room and wailed on his shoulder.

(He got me back later though when I ran up to my room to get my cellphone. He was in there with the lights off using the computer, and he scared the bejesus out of me. I think I almost died.)

Everyone enjoyed my shouts of "Dad, you're not making any sense!" "Dad, you're an idiot!" "Dad, what the hell are you thinking?!"

Kitchen Humor

Our administrative assistant at work will put "Ashley's Fun Facts" on the fridge in the kitchen for us all to enjoy. They are frequently funny and/or interesting, and everyone enjoys them.

One of today's facts was this: "Children laugh 400 times a day on average. Adults laugh 15 times a day on average". I was filling up my water bottle as one of my coworkers read that aloud. She commented, "400, that's a lot."

Me: "15 laughs, that's crap! That's not even 1 laugh an hour." She laughed; I felt satisfied, having provided 1/15 of her laughter for the day.

Failure

So I wasn't funny today. It was a sad moment when I realized this. Then I realized that 'once a day' is not a literal fact when refered to me; rather, it is an average of my funny moments over a long period of time (namely, my life).

Thus I have retitled the blog to more accurately reflect this. I hope you, my loyal readers (probably still only including me), can forgive this failing. I am, after all, only human.

Bust a Gut

Still in NJ.

My girlfriend has bronchitis. Not a fun illness. She's been feeling better lately, but her chest is really congested and sore. My dad asked us how she was feeling.

She: "I'm feeling better, but my chest still hurts a lot."

Me: "Whenever she laughs, she starts coughing. Which sucks, cause I'm hilarious."

She promptly started laughing and then coughing.

Safety First

(note: I don't think this is that funny, but my dad nearly tore a muscle laughing, so I figured it was acceptable.)

I came down to NJ with my girlfriend to visit my family this weekend, which is how I came to be watching the Matrix Reloaded with my dad. We turned it on just as the highway scene starts. My dad commented that the car manufacturer Lincoln (as opposed to the dead president) donated all of the cars used in that scene, 400 in all.

Well, you know that scene, cars crash into each other and fly into the air for no apparent reason but the Lincoln that Morpheus and Trinity are driving takes about 4000 bullets yet still drives.

So I said: "You know, this scene was originally devised as an advertisement for Lincoln cars. 'If you want a car that can take a beating, buy a Lincoln. If you want a car that randomly flies into the air, go somewhere else.'"

Greek hero

Today I have failed to be funny. Perhaps I should change the title of the blog.

To be fair to you, my loyal readers (who, I'm fairly certain, includes only me), I will provide you with a classic funny moment from my past. An 'Al Bundy' comedic moment, if you will.

So I'm over at my friend's house. I'm good friends with the mom, dad, brother and sister. The five of us are sitting around a table on the porch when the dad starts to tell a college story (he loves his college stories, but he's not an Al Bundy type; he made a fortune from scratch and doesn't live in the past). We all moan a little but his stories are usually good.

So he starts, "We had a pretty sizable population of foreign students at my school. One of my roommates was the son of a Greek hero..."

At which point I blurted, "Achilles?"

Today's funny moment

So I was talking with my coworkers today and I made up a word, 'grandeuricious', meaning 'full of grandeur' or something to that effect. I have a habit of making up words.

So I said, "One of these days I'm going to collect all of the words I've created and make a dictionary of them."

Then I said, "Well, it wouldn't really be that interesting because it'd just be a bunch of real words with '-icious' or '-o-rama' attached to the end."

Intro

While I'm not really funny, occasionally (about once a day) I say something that makes people laugh. Kind of like George Costanza from 'Seinfeld'. So I figured I'd create a blog and post my funny moments, mostly for my own satisfaction.