Actual Joke

So I made an actual joke the other day. Wow.

My friend was talking about not wanting to go rollerblading because he has no balance and if he broke his wrists he couldn't work. His girlfriend jokingly mentioned that he couldn't, well, you know, help himself out.

Me: "Well, I'm sure he could figure out how to... To work, I mean!"

Self-deprecation

I think my funny moment for Thursday was probably the office christmas party, where I drank too much.

Yeah... I may post a picture later.

Superman 8: The Homefront

Today at lunch a coworker was talking about a documentary he saw on the History Channel called "The Corporation". It was about how corporations are becoming ridiculously powerful, and he said he doesn't trust any corporations anymore. I thought it was time to lighten the mood.

"I myself can't wait until the confrontation between the corporations and Superman."

One coworker could barely control his laughter, but the rest were silent. About a minute later...

"Well, I totally killed that conversation."

Silence...

"Hey, is that a turkey sandwich?"

"No, it's chicken."

"Ah.... you don't see sliced chicken that often."

"No, you don't."

Silence...

Look what I did!

My funny moment for today is being hosted somewhere else.

Check it out here.

Hey, hey you!

Walking to lunch today, a coworker and I wanted to ask another coworker something. The other coworker was walking ahead of us in another line (you know how walking on sidewalks in large groups can be). We both call his name a few times. He looks back to acknowledge he heard us, but has this divided attention look and then turns back to the conversation he was having before we bugged him. I turned to my coworker and said: "Well, it looks like he's on the talk."

Watch out for incoming paradoxes

In a meeting, one of my coworkers was asked by his boss to send out an email "yesterday", to emphasize its urgency. The coworker commented that he'd asked another coworker to build him a time machine.

Me: "Well, as long as he eventually builds one, we're all good."

Bounded by none

Someone stated a figure that our product had 6.5% product share in the marketplace. My response?

"Out of....?"

Hilarity

Possibly the funniest thing I've ever said:

"When I heard that, I almost fell out of my pants."

Culinary catastrophe

With some coworkers, we were discussing something about holidays and celebration when someone suggested that we could throw pies at this one coworker's (who was present) face.

Me: "But I wanted to eat the pie."

(I can hear you groaning.)

A new fad

You know how sometimes you're standing or walking somewhere, and someone approaches you, and you dodge left just as they dodge left, then you dodge right just as they dodge right, and someone says "Shall we dance?" That's so cliche (insert accent symbol).

Today the same happened in the kitchen at my office. Instead of uttering those boring words, I started hopping from one foot to the other with my hands in the air, singing the carnival song... you know, doo doo doodoodoodoo doo doo doo doo, doo doo doodoodoodoo doo doo doo doo, doo d-d-doo doo doo d-d-doo doo, and so on.

Rockapella; or, Experiments in linking

In college I was a member of the Pep Band. We played at football games. We were always a small group of students but we could usually get the crowd marginally more psyched than they would've been otherwise. It was fun.

My final two years I was a drum major. You may have certain mental images or expectations of what a drum major is.

Forget them.

We were, at most, 25 people. Our uniforms were blue jeans and a T-Shirt. The band didn't really need a drum major (indeed, they dispensed with them the year after I left. I prefer to think that they couldn't fill my shoes) but we had one (two, actually) mostly to queue up songs to play, start and stop the band, etc. Conducting was more of an afterthought.

(I'm rambling, so I'll get to the point. Hang on.)

We had "I Want You Back" by the Jackson Five in our playbooks. One time after playing it (I was conducting) I got pumped up and decided to try a spin like Michael Jackson. With the whole band and half the stands watching, I complete about 355 degrees of the spin, then get my foot caught on the bleachers and I fell flat on my face, parallel to the bleachers. It was awesome.

You think Ukraine is game?

At work recently, two of my coworkers, who happen to both be Ukranian, walk in from outside dressed in full winter gear. Another coworker stated, "You're from Ukraine! Isn't it much colder there than here?"

(I may be paraphrasing a bit here.)

Reply: "Well we wear coats there too!"

Coworker: "I've seen people in Canada wear shorts and T-shirts in colder weather."

Me: "Are you saying that Canadians are stronger than Ukranians?"

Pirates of the Irish Sea

Someone once accused me of being Irish. I'm not. But that's not funny. What is funny is that whenever someone accuses me of being any nationality, race, creed, color, gender, sexual orientation, blood type, or party, I invariably respond thus:

"Yarrrr!"

You know, like a pirate.

New word

Calorieific: adj. full of calories

Tapestry of words

So one of my coworkers, a woman with grown kids, comes by my cube and says hi. I say hi and note that the collar of her jacket is flipped up in the back.

As she's fixing it: "I must look like a dweeb. Is that what they're still called?"

Me: "... Dweeb is a word that would accurately describe your previous state."

Taken out of context

"Human females can't dance."

X-mas Tree shops

Still in NJ.

I was out with a few friends from home and my girlfriend last night. We drove by the new Christmas Tree Shop in town. One of my friends didn't know what a Christmas Tree Shop was. We proceed to explain it to him, stating how they carry almost everything.

One of my friends: "Well, not everything. They don't have eggs, I think."

Me: "Nope, they don't have eggs, but they do have egg nogg."

Out of context

"Come on guys. Give me enough credit for being able to distinguish between genders."

Turkey Day

In NJ again for Thanksgiving. Girlfriend and her parents are in town as well, and we're all sitting around the TV watching the Denver @ Dallas football game. It's near the end of the game, tie score, and the Broncos have the ball on their own 25, 3rd and short, 1:30 left on the clock. Clock is running. Denver runs the clock down to 0:50 before calling a timeout. My dad and I start arguing about Denver's choice (I'll post the argument in a comment). We actually start yelling at each other about the call. He finally agrees that I'm right. I berate him for being dumb.

Anyway, the argument settles down, and he goes to get something from the kitchen. Not satisfied with the level of my censureitude, I stood up and proclaimed, "I'm going to go hit my dad." I promptly left the room and wailed on his shoulder.

(He got me back later though when I ran up to my room to get my cellphone. He was in there with the lights off using the computer, and he scared the bejesus out of me. I think I almost died.)

Everyone enjoyed my shouts of "Dad, you're not making any sense!" "Dad, you're an idiot!" "Dad, what the hell are you thinking?!"

Kitchen Humor

Our administrative assistant at work will put "Ashley's Fun Facts" on the fridge in the kitchen for us all to enjoy. They are frequently funny and/or interesting, and everyone enjoys them.

One of today's facts was this: "Children laugh 400 times a day on average. Adults laugh 15 times a day on average". I was filling up my water bottle as one of my coworkers read that aloud. She commented, "400, that's a lot."

Me: "15 laughs, that's crap! That's not even 1 laugh an hour." She laughed; I felt satisfied, having provided 1/15 of her laughter for the day.

Failure

So I wasn't funny today. It was a sad moment when I realized this. Then I realized that 'once a day' is not a literal fact when refered to me; rather, it is an average of my funny moments over a long period of time (namely, my life).

Thus I have retitled the blog to more accurately reflect this. I hope you, my loyal readers (probably still only including me), can forgive this failing. I am, after all, only human.

Bust a Gut

Still in NJ.

My girlfriend has bronchitis. Not a fun illness. She's been feeling better lately, but her chest is really congested and sore. My dad asked us how she was feeling.

She: "I'm feeling better, but my chest still hurts a lot."

Me: "Whenever she laughs, she starts coughing. Which sucks, cause I'm hilarious."

She promptly started laughing and then coughing.

Safety First

(note: I don't think this is that funny, but my dad nearly tore a muscle laughing, so I figured it was acceptable.)

I came down to NJ with my girlfriend to visit my family this weekend, which is how I came to be watching the Matrix Reloaded with my dad. We turned it on just as the highway scene starts. My dad commented that the car manufacturer Lincoln (as opposed to the dead president) donated all of the cars used in that scene, 400 in all.

Well, you know that scene, cars crash into each other and fly into the air for no apparent reason but the Lincoln that Morpheus and Trinity are driving takes about 4000 bullets yet still drives.

So I said: "You know, this scene was originally devised as an advertisement for Lincoln cars. 'If you want a car that can take a beating, buy a Lincoln. If you want a car that randomly flies into the air, go somewhere else.'"

Greek hero

Today I have failed to be funny. Perhaps I should change the title of the blog.

To be fair to you, my loyal readers (who, I'm fairly certain, includes only me), I will provide you with a classic funny moment from my past. An 'Al Bundy' comedic moment, if you will.

So I'm over at my friend's house. I'm good friends with the mom, dad, brother and sister. The five of us are sitting around a table on the porch when the dad starts to tell a college story (he loves his college stories, but he's not an Al Bundy type; he made a fortune from scratch and doesn't live in the past). We all moan a little but his stories are usually good.

So he starts, "We had a pretty sizable population of foreign students at my school. One of my roommates was the son of a Greek hero..."

At which point I blurted, "Achilles?"

Today's funny moment

So I was talking with my coworkers today and I made up a word, 'grandeuricious', meaning 'full of grandeur' or something to that effect. I have a habit of making up words.

So I said, "One of these days I'm going to collect all of the words I've created and make a dictionary of them."

Then I said, "Well, it wouldn't really be that interesting because it'd just be a bunch of real words with '-icious' or '-o-rama' attached to the end."

Intro

While I'm not really funny, occasionally (about once a day) I say something that makes people laugh. Kind of like George Costanza from 'Seinfeld'. So I figured I'd create a blog and post my funny moments, mostly for my own satisfaction.