This Actually Happened.

Dad: Wow!
Mom: What? [silence] What?!
Me: He probably just found cookies or something.
Dad: Check it out, cookies!

It's Not All About the Weather

me: remember last year's disaster?
Darcelle J.: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix?
me: ZING!
Darcelle J.: CHOCHANG

Mmmm Steak

Joe: so we're approaching the end of a medium-size kitchen remodel.
Me: I read that as "so we're approaching the end of a medium-size steak"

It's Amazing How It Works Like That

**Dec 8 4:45 PM **
Ed: whoa when did it become 4:45
Ed: about 1 minute ago?
John: yes!

Clarity

Brian: you've had a raptor, right?
Me: the hard drive? yes
Me: the dinosaur, no.

It's Like Dragon Heart

John L.: BOLD
John L.: I admire your courage. I think I will eat your heart.
Ed S.: no please don't I need my heart to pump blood and to love

Turkey or Regular?

Brian: hmm... wish i had thought of that
Brian: a bacon bible... nice
Me: is that a bible made of bacon or a book containing all the knowledge in the world about bacon
Me: because either is cool

Happy Turkey Day!

Kristina: This is my friend. [points to Facebook page]

Me: He looks cool.
Mom: He finished high school.

Me: [laughs]

Kristina: That's right! No GED shit for him! 

---

More family moments to come!

How Many Times Has This Happened to You?

Ed: hey, I got the info from Dave, working on it now, but I need to query DBLIVE to get the paymentIDs for the script... I don't have a user/pass that works for QA2
Jim: does orange/orange* get you there?
Ed: nope
Jim: k. give me a sec
Ed: k thanks
Jim: try banana/banana*
Jim: be careful. its read/write
Ed: ding
Ed: ok I will
Ed: drop database;
Ed: oops wrong window
Jim: f' you

*Passwords changed obviously.

I Could Have Complained Less

Ed S.: I hate how people show up late to conference calls
Naz T.: :(
Ed S.: 1:34 start time for 1:30 call
Barack S.: THAT'S 4 MINUTES OF INTERNET BROWSING DOWN THE DRAIN!
Naz T.: yeah how many reddit comments could i make. like 30 loaves
Barack S.: I could convert 10 farmers to Elvi in that time
Naz T.: I could get Subservient Chicken to put the sandwich on his head
Barack S.: I could perform a 58 hit ULTRA combo
Naz T.: I could buy a Toyota with 0% financing and pay nothing til January 2009
Barack S.: I could bust rhymes that flow like phosphorous, poppin off da top o dis esophagus, rockin dis metropolis
Naz T.: I could walk into a Burger King, discreetly use their bathroom, and walk out without buying anything
Barack S.: I could have been a contender
Ed S.: I could have been off the call 4 minutes earlier
Naz T.: calls calls calls, calls from the public
Naz T.: calls calls calls calls
Barack S.: I could walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more just to be the man who walked 1,000 miles to fall down at your dawn
Barack S. : *door
Naz T.: Nicely done
Ed S.: Barack wins

VOTE

VOTE!

I Only Need 40 More Gamer Points

Cole H.: Bert and Leonard have a different philosophy than I about many things
Princess I.: yeah they think Miller Lite is delicious, and disc 2 of Xenogears was amazing
Princess I.: philistines!
Cole H.: haha
Rocco B.: Plus Bert's always listening to whatever Ernie says
Rocco B.: Achievement Unlocked: Low Hanging Fruit

Sometimes You Just Can't Know

Rocco B.

Rocco B.: then again, I think my bed might be causing me issues 

Princess I.: its a clown bed!? 

Rocco B.: it might be

Rocco B.: there are like 40 people in it

Out of Context: I'd Like to Test That GUI

"His girlfriend had a really pretty looking interface."

10 To The 4th Power

Joe: After factoring in leap years, I have determined that June 24th of next year will be my 10,000th day on Earth.
Joe: this is huge.
Ed: Have you factored all the time you've spent midair?
Joe: No. Time zone differences do not abide.
Ed: no no, I mean not literally on the earth
Ed: in the air
Ed: like jumping
Ed: or falling
Ed: or that stride mid-run where nothing is touching the ground
Joe: 10,000th day since being born
Ed: ok
Ed: what you really should wait for is the day that the number of days on earth passes the number of Phillies losses
Ed: then you become a real man.
Joe: That'll be a while.
Ed: Phillies have lost 10098 games.
Joe: when is your birthday
Joe: oh the 10th
Joe: ok
Ed: yeah
Joe: 3/28/2009 for you
Ed: for 10k or for10098
Joe: for 10k
Ed: dude, 10k is weak. Phillies losses is the real determinator
Joe: that is stupid.
Joe: determinator isn't even a goddamned word
Ed: it is now
Ed: DISCO SLAM

God I Love This Girl

"Honey, I'm talking about fantasy, not real life!" --Annie, on fantasy sports trophies and how she claims she has more than I do.

This Happens More Often Than I Would Like

(12:54:27) OppositeCoho: Hey, is this Tina Fey?
(12:54:35) edgesmash: Nope

I'm Not Going To Touch That

Annie: Man, the Rays are dominating the Sox. They're making the Sox look like, uhh...
Ed: Like this year's Yankees?
Annie: Don't even say that! Don't compare the Sox to the Yankees! Why don't you just call me fat?!

Setting the Bar High

"That's how we make good drummers... That's how we make ok drummers... That's how we make Pep Band drummers!" --Keith, pep band drummer, on hazing

Hold On Soldier, the Priest is on the Way

Agent P.: and i butt in with a CSI Miami opening quote
EdToRights: LOZL
Agent P.: It looks like...::puts on sunglasses::we got ourselves one HOT CASE.
Agent P.: YEAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
EdToRights: CSI Miami is the worst CSI show and the worst Miami show
Agent P.: best Miami show: Scarface the Animated Series
EdToRights: Best CSI show: CSI: World of Warcraft
EdToRights: "Yup, this was definitely a Tauren... but was he alone?" "That's not what I herd." /music: DOO DOOOO
Agent P.: It was definitely those paleskin humans.. ::sunglasses:: ....FOR LOTHAR!
Agent P.: YEAAAAHHHHHHHH

I Choose You, Instant Messenger!

Brenticus: if I may supply the criticism you are looking for
Brenticus: Pokemon blows
EdToRights: thank you
EdToRights: I needed that

Mega Man 9 Infests My Thoughts

Schwehmdog: lolz just went from "Robot Master Chosen" to "Everybody Dance Now"
Schwehmdog: Shit I'm fighting Dance Man

New Word from the Old Days

double-noogie reverse:
1) a maneuver in a video game where you manipulate the game's crappy controls to execute an otherwise obvious move that puts you in a better position.
2) a move so obvious that the opponent doesn't expect it.

Etymology:
In the N64 game Golden Eye, the controls were a little tough. You used the analog stick to move front/back and look left/right. You used the C-buttons to move left/right and look up/down. The overlap of translational and rotational commands was confusing to most, and since the game was basically the first successful FPS for a console, no one was quite used to the scheme.

If you were being shot at from behind, you were pretty much dead. Turn around and fight, and unless the guy had a Kolb, you were dead before you got a shot off. Keep running and he'll just pick you off*. There was one move that worked: At a corner, wait for your opponent, then run past him as he ran around the corner. Then as he turned around to come back you turn around and pass him again. Your opponent would be confused and you'd get away scot free.

It's called the double-noogie reverse because you reverse twice and give the opponent a noogie each time you pass him. Or at least that's what I decided when I coined it in the early 90's.

* Unless you knew the trick of moving forwards and strafing right while facing right of where you wanted to go; the two movement actions added and you got the combined trajectory and went faster than your opponent.

It's like Y2K Without the Fail

EdToRights: Well, with respect to the economic crisis, I've got all my money in canned foods and guns, so I'm set - in more ways than one.
EdToRights: I either survive or I profit

YKI

EdToRights: OK well I will probably play tonight
EdToRights: either MM9, CoD4, or H3
EdToRights: 9 > 4 + 3, so it'll probably be MM

Also Known as a Farm Tool

Eric M.:
Professor S.: poor Gumshoe can't even play the triangle
Agent P.: he was playing fine. she's just a 5 lb bag of ho

Direct All Hate Mail Away From Me

Professor S.: but I don't keep games I buy anyway
Professor S.: planning to sell all my ds games anyway
Agent P.: just mail 7.77$ in royalties to Capcom
Eric M.: This is one of the reasons the "I can warez any games I want, then buy the ones I really like" argument is difficult to make
Professor S. : ya srsly
Professor S.: if I could just give Capcom $20, I'd do it
Professor S.: do they have a paypal donate link?
Agent P.: just mail it:
Agent P.: CAPCOM, INC.
123 Fushugi Yugi Way
Samurai Boulevard
Fugu, Tokyo, CHING CHONG JAPAN, 7777777777

Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Start

Aaron: I figure Texeira replacing Giambi is pretty much a sure thing unless the Angels throw enough money at him
Aaron: and apparently there are rumors that Manny wants to sign with New York so that he can beat up Boston 18 times a year
Ed: ha funny
Aaron: any team with Manny and A-Rod on it is unfair
Aaron: they use cheat codes

Don't Click The Link!

Harry P.: dont go here if you dont want to get fired for laughing too hard http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3159/2807838577_83cbed0126_o.jpg?t=1053139
Harry P.: cause I just did
Professor S.: I didn't think it was that funn-- OH SHIT IM FIRED

Donkey Kong, That Is

Annie and I saw a rather large woman slowing getting into a car this morning...

Ed: That woman has a hu-uuge ass!
Annie: That leg looks like the Leg of Kong!

Hold It!

I played too much Phoenix Wright this weekend. When I was debating politics with my dad, I slammed my hands down on the table every time I wanted to make a point.

Common Sense: I Has None

"See, this is what I mean about you and common sense. 'Oh, Ed got a raise, but he forgot how to walk so he fell down the stairs." --Annie

Ahh, The Wonders of Fatherhood

Joe: I have figured out how to balance my son on my chest while I work on the laptop
Joe: I feel awesome

Who Needs MLB Gameday?

Me: hey pudge doesn't suck! just hit a single
Me: hey betemit doesn't suck! just hit a single
Me: awww crap melky sucks

I love my coworkers.

"Hey Ed, suck it!" --Matt

Beware the Mystical Tomes

"It's like a magical poem."

The Answer Man!

Ed: because basically until we have AI that works, auto-GC will not work.
Ed: the best we can hope for is something like Newton's F=ma, which is close enough for most everything
Ed: but enough of that
Ed: I'm a GC/threading/struct master in .NET now
Ed: ASK ME A QUESTION
Ed: HIT ME
Edith: when synchronous methods are invoked, in what order do they get cleaned up?
Ed: RANDOM ORDER
Ed: fuck I dunno

Don't Piss Off Annie

"Even CVS knows I'm a bitch lately... they mailed me free tampons."

If Then Else

Brian: heh, im an ass. i had to go through my email  and remove my sly comments that i added without thinking
me: hahaha
me: well you're not an ass, you just lack tact sometimes
Brian: nah, the tact lack is chosen
me: then you are an ass

Has A Cool Nickname

The top two are the best:

Who Are You?

I got back from my honeymoon on Thursday and went to the mall on Saturday. I saw a coworker there and spoke to her:

Me: So did the office function without me?
Shana: You were gone?

I guess they did.

It's Like Metal Gear But Without Pants

During the walk to lunch one day...

Ed: Now's your big chance Arthur, you could pee your pants right now.
Arthur: I could.
Joseph: But do you have any clothes to change into?
Arthur: Yeah I have three pairs of pants at the office.
Ed: But do you have any underwear?
Arthur: No, I can just go commando.
Ed: But your balls will be soaked with urine. 

Ben and John only heard that last line. Needless to say, they were confused.

To Avoid Any Confusion

me: I'm going to say this again: SODOMY IS NOT TO BE BROUGHT UP
me: I can't be any clearer.

BOOM DE YADA

Eric: Boom Blox
Eric: I can't wait for that
Eric: MB will enjoy it
Ed: it's like terrorist jenga, right?

Sillyness Theater

Once upon a time, a few coworkers and I were in a terribly boring and unorganized meeting. By the end of the day, we were bored out of our minds. We'd been communicating by IM...

Joseph: why can't this meeting just end?
me: you have to explicitly call the garbage collector
Joseph: thisMeeting.Dispose();
Tristan: hahahah 
me: can you help me with this SQL?
Tristan: what is it?
me: Select * from articles where category_code = 'N'
Tristan: whats the problem?
me: returns Count Chocula

The Clowns Scare Me

Amr: You going to the circus this weekend?
me: No. I'm an adult.

The Ultimate Way To End Any Conversation

"But anyway, let's get some pizza. I'm fucking starving."

As Previously Stated, Clowns Are Not Good At Baseball

Caf: "the first thing i thought when i heard we got ourselves nick swisher was 'oh man, we got ourselves a baseball player'" [quoting the White Sox commentator]
Me: which was good, because previously the White Sox were fielding a team of clowns

IM FIRED

me: just got my performance review document
me: turns out I'm not fired
me: who knew?!
me: "Ed is very forward looking in terms of technology, yet still grounded in reality in terms of what is practical. The mix of these two qualities makes his opinions and insights very relevant to a lot of the work we do. "
John: I got that in my fortune cookie yesterday

Captain Falcon and the Three Muskateers

Brian: FALCON BORED
me: FALCON NAP

Baseball's Back!

The following conversation took place over text messages:

Ed: Brandon Inge is Detroit's center fielder. Funny all by itself.
Caf: Juan Pierre is no longer a starter. Excellent all by itself.
Ed: It's a good day.

Fair Notice

Before meeting a friend for lunch one day, his significant other sent this IM (names have been changed to protect the hilarious):

FYI for later, Schwehmdog... Dan was acting like an ass goblin last night, so I got us dinner at Chipotle and had them spike his burrito with atomic salsa. he was in extreme gastronomic discomfort this morning. So, I apologize if he's ornery at lunch.

You Know, The Nazis Had Pieces of Flare They Made the Jews Wear

This is just a much funnier title for a entry I did over on IPROD. If you were hoping for a funny, tough luck. Get used to disappointment. 

I Rule At Cranium

This weekend I was playing Cranium Pop 5, which is a version of cranium where you get to choose which type of activity you want to use to get your team to guess the word (the other team gets to choose the number of points each activity is worth). So clearly some categories don't work well with some events: it can be hard to hum "acid-washed jeans". 

We were doing guys vs. girls, and as usual the guys were losing. I was on a roll though when it was my turn to act/draw/hum/scuplt, so when it came around to me, I said that no matter what I was doing the 5 point event (the most difficult, as chosen by the other team). What did I commit myself to? I had to sculpt the song "Love Shack". And you know what? I did it. Our team still lost but I was a fucking winner. 

Sulfur Hexa-what?

Sulfur hexafloride is a gas that is five times denser than air (meaning mainly oxygen and nitrogen). It has some interesting properties, like the fact that you can FLOAT A FUCKING BOAT ON IT! But even more awesome than that is the fact that inhaling it has the opposite effect on your voice from helium; it makes your voice sound like Darth Vader. Of course, you can also hurt yourself in the same way as helium. Wikipedia offers this warning:

"Although inhaling SF6 can be a novel amusement, the practice can be dangerous because, like all gases other than oxygen, the SF6 displaces the oxygen needed for breathing."

Ignoring the ambiguous subject, this could more hilariously be written like this:

"Although inhaling SF6 can be a novel amusement, the practice can be dangerous because, like all gases other than oxygen, it is not oxygen."

Who's the Man? I'm the Man!

We had our department ski trip last Friday and boy was I on fire! I had at least three totally hilarious moments, one of which was unintentional. Here they are in their hilarity:

One of my coworkers, John, was late to the bus in the morning. We tried calling him, but he didn't answer. Someone thought that he might be driving so fast he didn't want to pick up the cell phone. I said "Maybe he's driving so fast the cell phone waves couldn't keep up with him!"

Later, everyone was talking up how great lunch was going to be. I swear, it was like this lunch was going to be the end all be all! So when we sat down before lunch was ready, I said, "I'm going to be really disappointed if this lunch doesn't blow my pants off."

Then as we were eating lunch, a female coworker sitting next to me was pouring over a trail map. She said to me, "I'm trying to figure out where I've been." I thought she was asking me, so I replied, "I don't know where you've been." As I said it, I realized what I said and could barely contain my laughter. I looked up, and half the guys at the table were doing the same.

This Makes No Sense

AxAx: So there's some kind of weird math that was done
FxBx: more like gay math
Ed S.: more like weird gay weird math
FxBx: more like a gay dog that shits fractions
Ed S.: more like a weird gay fraction that shits gay dogs

That's About It

FxBx:I think the only subjects I haven't insulted and been pissed at are butterchurns and Interstate 75
Ed S.: FUCK INTERSTATE 75
Basil I.: don't fuck with butterchurns

Possibly a Sharpie?

FxBx: Tristam was the guy in final fantasy mystic quest
Ed S.: Noted.
FxBx: its very important!
Ed S.: Noted with permanent marker.

I Don't Get It

After getting stuck behind a slow-driving Nissan Quest, I got a little heated: "Quest? More like fuck!"

Commonsense Warning? Right Here, Guys

There is a story that goes along with this, but really, the end part is the only good part: Gold Bond Medicated moisturizing cream should have a label that says "Warning! Contains Menthol," meaning "Do not apply to balls."

Open To Interpertation

me: I smell fish poop
John: I smell tacos
me: same thing usually

DOGE

ExSx: I've resorted to eating tic tacs until food arrives
ExSx: 1.5 calories each
ExSx: ok that's 9 of them
ExSx: what's that
ExSx: 9 + 4.5 = 13.5
ExSx: damn
ExSx: I need to eat more.
ExSx: fuck I'm so minty

(post title taken from Machall)

IFOD

AxAx: sorry I'm back
AxAx: Opera was screwing up
AxAx: It was making everything people typed look like their name
FxBx: ahhh
ExSx: ExSx
KxDx: KxDx
FxBx: You guys are awful
FxBx: I mean
FxBx: FxBx
AxAx: :P

Not That Prophecy

Joe: http://science.slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=08/01/02/1624252&from=rss
Joe: SPERMBOTS
me: YES
me: FINALLY THE PROPHECY HAS COME